I can jump around here on my Blog A Book, because it's mine.........
I should go to bed and get some sleep.............. I just can't. I need to get out all the bad stuff and start over with life.
It's my choice.
It's never to late to start over...
This is by far not a friggin pitty party...... I don't want any sympathy, I'm not looking for a damn this by this Blog A Book... I just want to write a true story. I read books...... I read what people say and how they say it..... I'm not a true author with perfect writing skills, but I hope my words you read are making you all just understand me just a little bit more.
Maybe it will be a good book some day and maybe a movie..... who knows?
If I could hand pick someone to play me......... I'd have to say Jodi Foster, or Calista Flockheart.
LOL don't ask me why... I just thought it would be so cool to say that! LOL
I hear music and listen to the lyrics and people sing songs about worse stuff...... They make movies about worse stuff.....
I have always loved true stories and this is my true life story.....
I just can't believe there's even more to write about........ Wow.......... I have lived a crazy life!
don't you agree?
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
Monday, August 31, 2009
29). .If I tell him...... what will he say to me?
This totally changed my life...........
and hers,
and her familys and
her childrens..... and her husband!
Not only did the lightning freak me out so bad but something else was on my mind. When I would be in Church.
Something huge, so huge I could not carry it anymore.
I had to talk to someone, I had to say what I knew and I had to ask for help in dealing with this information I had.....
Now..... what I'm about to say was pretty heavy on my heart for a very long time. I had no idea what to do about it,
where to go with it,
or what.
I just knew that I could no longer carry the heavy burden one minute longer.
I told you about going to Church and Thanking GOD for sparing us any injuries during the bad storm at the campground... That was a really big scare in my life. But there was something else that only I knew...... and it scared me so bad! Still does....
How do I start this one..... ??
Okay here goes.......
I went to the bar one night with a friend of mine..... We were dancing and having fun and just enjoying life. Not knowing how much of her life was going to be left. I loved this person so much that I was not afraid to be with them I was not afraid to hang out with them unlike what all the news papers were saying.....
Magic Johnson had just came out and said he had it on national T.V.
A year or so prior to this night....................... of dancing-
We were driving to go see Kelly and Company on T.V. We were going to be in the Audience and she was driving because she was the one that knew how to get to the show.
She lowered the visor in the car and looked at me and said, "I'm positive."
I looked back at her and said what do you mean you are positive?
She looked at me while driving and said," she had the test and it came back positive."
I still did not understand what she was saying.
Then it hit me.
Like a brick building falling on top of me.
She was calm cool and collected about it.
I was tongue tied, I had no idea what to say......
I knew that her husband was really sick with the same thing and he was taking the AZT drugs.
She told me she was not going to take the AZT drugs.
I was still speechless... I know that's hard to believe, but believe me when I say this. I was speechless, but what was racing thru my brain was HOLY CRAP, Not Her! NO..... She's an innocent victim.....
She loved him,
She married him,
She had his children,
She got this from loving him........ OMG
What about her kids......
She was pregnant again.......
The heaviness in my heart at that moment was honestly unreal, unbelievable and so unfair!
that's exactly what I was thinking.....
I was so afraid........ When she would come over and visit. I hid my toothbrushes... I have only told a few people this, but I panicked, Don't ask me why I did it, It was just something I did out of panic and fear and the unknown.
I mean totally down right panicked and then.....
I realized what if it had been me..... how would she treat me?????
I knew her since 7th grade.
I remember her telling me she had never had a bath when I first met her, and the look on my face was like,
What are you talking about???? I remember her laughing so hard! She got me on that one forsure! How could someone never have a bath? I just could not put two and two together back then.
It was funny at the time, you just had to be there!
Her parents did not own a bathroom that had a bathtub.
They only had a shower. She cracked up and me looking at her like dang girl, you never have had a Bath! It was crazy..... I wonder how many people she said that too before me?
I remember the first time in 7th grade and I spent the night at her house. I had never seen a bat, and the bats were flying around her house like crazy.
I can still hear the way her floors creeked in the house she lived in with her Mom and Dad and siblings. Lot's of siblings!
I remember the first time I saw her do the dishes and she put them on the stove to dry with the flame turned really low. Her mother cooked with those wrought iron pans and that's how she dried them so they did not rust.
I remember her mom taking us out to dinner and she got mad that I did not eat my French Fries with a Fork.
I remember her Mom beating her with a metal hanger when they moved out to S. Lyons and I spent the night. Her Mom drove me to school the next morning and actually pulled up over the curb and dropped me off at the front door of the school..... She was a crazy lady. I say that honestly! She was nice, but she was harsh and really this down right mean side to her. Especially when it came to my friend.
I remember when we both walked the 20 miles and had blisters on our feet for weeks.
I remember when her husband locked her in a closet. I think the scary sickness had gotten in his brain.
I remember when she started her period for the first time and had to ask her big brother to drive us to the store to pick up sanitary napkins for her.
I remember when she moved away and I came to visit and we went into that old barn and she taught me how to whistle with my hands pressed together and only moving my fingers it would make me whistle like a Dove. It was awsome. It took me forever to get my hands right and do it like she could, but I did it and to this day I still know how...
I remember when she moved to her Dad's house in Taylor and I had to change her phone number again in my address book...
I remember when she moved out to W. Bloomfield and I had to change her number again in my phone book.
I remember when she moved out to Ortinville and I had to change her number again in my phone book.
I remember when she lived with this guy and he was a magician and she was his assistant. He was much older than her. He was her love way before her husband. He had his whole living room filled with magical stuff and when I would come over they would do magic shows and ask me my opinion.
I remember us taking a picture of us licking a huge candy cane at Christmas time.
I remember her hair being so long and so curly when she did not dry it.....
Every damn memory I had of her came flooding through my brain when she told me she was positive.
Time stood still but then it didn't..........
I remember when she told me her father sexually touched her.
I remember the time when her Mother would take the phones out of the house and not let her use the phone when her mother was out of the house.
She had it so bad........... I just wanted to be her friend and make her laugh and laugh and laugh....
I lived up to that because I knew she was sick, but we still went out dancing, we still hung out in my living room, we still sat by the lake when she was so sick, we still did everything just the same.........
Except..... She left the bar with someone that night....... That night we went dancing... I did not know they were going to sleep together.. I had no idea that was going to happen. I had no idea if they used a condom. I had no idea.......
Until she wrote me a letter.....
Told me how badly she just wanted love after her husband died.
Told me she did not use a condom.....
I died on the insides........ I felt like I should have warned the guy she was dancing with that if she asked him to go home with her not to..
I never did. It was not my place.
I did not know if she would do something like that or not....
Wow.......
It made me question our friendship for along time...... How could she do that to someone?
I know his name....
I looked it up online to see if he was dead.....
He is......
I went to the Priest in confession, and told him my story of not warning him with the information that I had that night that we danced at the bar Many years ago and my fear of him dying too.. Because my friends choice.....
He told me something that I will never forget......... This Priest was just what I needed in my life!
He said, "I know a lot about a lot of people that I'm not allowed to say".
Those words changed my life...... I carried the burden of that for years...
I know this post is hard for people to understand or what ever it may be.. But I'm telling you the truth. I was the best friend to her no matter what! Till the day she died in Hospice....
She was the greatest person ever, she just..............
I don't even know what to say... I still have a tough time. I think I really do!
I mean no disrespect to anyone in this post........ I had to write it, I had to say it. I had to tell you about it and how hard it was to have something like that and not knowing what to do with it.
I went to the right person and that's the only thing that get's me thru it.
I so apologize if this has hurt anyone that may read it........
All I can say is.......... Thank God for her beautiful Children!
The unborn baby......
Fully grown, fully healthy and negative..
Something about the antibodies....
I can't even remember how that all worked out..... I was there in the hospital when the baby was born....
I had just had a baby and it was different......... way different. She was in an isolated corner room.... Gloves everywhere........
I drove home from that day and cried.......
I was there when she took her final breath!
I still love her to this day!
Wow............................................................ that's some pretty deep stuff...... So friggin true that's all I can say!
She no longer had to live a rough ass life....... She went thru so much, so much so much! I saw everything........................ I mean everything!
I had nightmares...... scared me bad....
Kathy--------- just let it go........... I'm telling myself this right now! Deep Breath!
Her Mother never even showed up at her Funeral.....
Her Mother never called to say I hope you are having a good day,
Her Mother did nothing... She died without her Mother's love and support...
Now they both are gone...... I hope they settled their differences on the other side.
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
and hers,
and her familys and
her childrens..... and her husband!
Not only did the lightning freak me out so bad but something else was on my mind. When I would be in Church.
Something huge, so huge I could not carry it anymore.
I had to talk to someone, I had to say what I knew and I had to ask for help in dealing with this information I had.....
Now..... what I'm about to say was pretty heavy on my heart for a very long time. I had no idea what to do about it,
where to go with it,
or what.
I just knew that I could no longer carry the heavy burden one minute longer.
I told you about going to Church and Thanking GOD for sparing us any injuries during the bad storm at the campground... That was a really big scare in my life. But there was something else that only I knew...... and it scared me so bad! Still does....
How do I start this one..... ??
Okay here goes.......
I went to the bar one night with a friend of mine..... We were dancing and having fun and just enjoying life. Not knowing how much of her life was going to be left. I loved this person so much that I was not afraid to be with them I was not afraid to hang out with them unlike what all the news papers were saying.....
Magic Johnson had just came out and said he had it on national T.V.
A year or so prior to this night....................... of dancing-
We were driving to go see Kelly and Company on T.V. We were going to be in the Audience and she was driving because she was the one that knew how to get to the show.
She lowered the visor in the car and looked at me and said, "I'm positive."
I looked back at her and said what do you mean you are positive?
She looked at me while driving and said," she had the test and it came back positive."
I still did not understand what she was saying.
Then it hit me.
Like a brick building falling on top of me.
She was calm cool and collected about it.
I was tongue tied, I had no idea what to say......
I knew that her husband was really sick with the same thing and he was taking the AZT drugs.
She told me she was not going to take the AZT drugs.
I was still speechless... I know that's hard to believe, but believe me when I say this. I was speechless, but what was racing thru my brain was HOLY CRAP, Not Her! NO..... She's an innocent victim.....
She loved him,
She married him,
She had his children,
She got this from loving him........ OMG
What about her kids......
She was pregnant again.......
The heaviness in my heart at that moment was honestly unreal, unbelievable and so unfair!
that's exactly what I was thinking.....
I was so afraid........ When she would come over and visit. I hid my toothbrushes... I have only told a few people this, but I panicked, Don't ask me why I did it, It was just something I did out of panic and fear and the unknown.
I mean totally down right panicked and then.....
I realized what if it had been me..... how would she treat me?????
I knew her since 7th grade.
I remember her telling me she had never had a bath when I first met her, and the look on my face was like,
What are you talking about???? I remember her laughing so hard! She got me on that one forsure! How could someone never have a bath? I just could not put two and two together back then.
It was funny at the time, you just had to be there!
Her parents did not own a bathroom that had a bathtub.
They only had a shower. She cracked up and me looking at her like dang girl, you never have had a Bath! It was crazy..... I wonder how many people she said that too before me?
I remember the first time in 7th grade and I spent the night at her house. I had never seen a bat, and the bats were flying around her house like crazy.
I can still hear the way her floors creeked in the house she lived in with her Mom and Dad and siblings. Lot's of siblings!
I remember the first time I saw her do the dishes and she put them on the stove to dry with the flame turned really low. Her mother cooked with those wrought iron pans and that's how she dried them so they did not rust.
I remember her mom taking us out to dinner and she got mad that I did not eat my French Fries with a Fork.
I remember her Mom beating her with a metal hanger when they moved out to S. Lyons and I spent the night. Her Mom drove me to school the next morning and actually pulled up over the curb and dropped me off at the front door of the school..... She was a crazy lady. I say that honestly! She was nice, but she was harsh and really this down right mean side to her. Especially when it came to my friend.
I remember when we both walked the 20 miles and had blisters on our feet for weeks.
I remember when her husband locked her in a closet. I think the scary sickness had gotten in his brain.
I remember when she started her period for the first time and had to ask her big brother to drive us to the store to pick up sanitary napkins for her.
I remember when she moved away and I came to visit and we went into that old barn and she taught me how to whistle with my hands pressed together and only moving my fingers it would make me whistle like a Dove. It was awsome. It took me forever to get my hands right and do it like she could, but I did it and to this day I still know how...
I remember when she moved to her Dad's house in Taylor and I had to change her phone number again in my address book...
I remember when she moved out to W. Bloomfield and I had to change her number again in my phone book.
I remember when she moved out to Ortinville and I had to change her number again in my phone book.
I remember when she lived with this guy and he was a magician and she was his assistant. He was much older than her. He was her love way before her husband. He had his whole living room filled with magical stuff and when I would come over they would do magic shows and ask me my opinion.
I remember us taking a picture of us licking a huge candy cane at Christmas time.
I remember her hair being so long and so curly when she did not dry it.....
Every damn memory I had of her came flooding through my brain when she told me she was positive.
Time stood still but then it didn't..........
I remember when she told me her father sexually touched her.
I remember the time when her Mother would take the phones out of the house and not let her use the phone when her mother was out of the house.
She had it so bad........... I just wanted to be her friend and make her laugh and laugh and laugh....
I lived up to that because I knew she was sick, but we still went out dancing, we still hung out in my living room, we still sat by the lake when she was so sick, we still did everything just the same.........
Except..... She left the bar with someone that night....... That night we went dancing... I did not know they were going to sleep together.. I had no idea that was going to happen. I had no idea if they used a condom. I had no idea.......
Until she wrote me a letter.....
Told me how badly she just wanted love after her husband died.
Told me she did not use a condom.....
I died on the insides........ I felt like I should have warned the guy she was dancing with that if she asked him to go home with her not to..
I never did. It was not my place.
I did not know if she would do something like that or not....
Wow.......
It made me question our friendship for along time...... How could she do that to someone?
I know his name....
I looked it up online to see if he was dead.....
He is......
I went to the Priest in confession, and told him my story of not warning him with the information that I had that night that we danced at the bar Many years ago and my fear of him dying too.. Because my friends choice.....
He told me something that I will never forget......... This Priest was just what I needed in my life!
He said, "I know a lot about a lot of people that I'm not allowed to say".
Those words changed my life...... I carried the burden of that for years...
I know this post is hard for people to understand or what ever it may be.. But I'm telling you the truth. I was the best friend to her no matter what! Till the day she died in Hospice....
She was the greatest person ever, she just..............
I don't even know what to say... I still have a tough time. I think I really do!
I mean no disrespect to anyone in this post........ I had to write it, I had to say it. I had to tell you about it and how hard it was to have something like that and not knowing what to do with it.
I went to the right person and that's the only thing that get's me thru it.
I so apologize if this has hurt anyone that may read it........
All I can say is.......... Thank God for her beautiful Children!
The unborn baby......
Fully grown, fully healthy and negative..
Something about the antibodies....
I can't even remember how that all worked out..... I was there in the hospital when the baby was born....
I had just had a baby and it was different......... way different. She was in an isolated corner room.... Gloves everywhere........
I drove home from that day and cried.......
I was there when she took her final breath!
I still love her to this day!
Wow............................................................ that's some pretty deep stuff...... So friggin true that's all I can say!
She no longer had to live a rough ass life....... She went thru so much, so much so much! I saw everything........................ I mean everything!
I had nightmares...... scared me bad....
Kathy--------- just let it go........... I'm telling myself this right now! Deep Breath!
Her Mother never even showed up at her Funeral.....
Her Mother never called to say I hope you are having a good day,
Her Mother did nothing... She died without her Mother's love and support...
Now they both are gone...... I hope they settled their differences on the other side.
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
28). When all you see is white and smell the fire! Run Fast!!!
Now I'm going a little farther back to the year 1991. I had three little ones.... My husband and I always went camping with the kids every summer. Sometimes we went with Jim and Tina and other times we went with Dean and Sheri. It always seemed like something was bound to happen. I never expected this in a million years.
I sorta had a bad feeling that night...
It was 4th of July weekend.
We had been planning this camping trip with Dean and Sheri and we packed the cars and headed out. Dean packed his car before work and went to work that night on the evening shift at his job.
Well, Sheri packed her own car and set up camp while Dean was at work. When he got to the Campground, low and behold there was an extra Tent. Dean packed one and so did Sheri. So we took advantage of it and set it up for Shanelle and Chellsea. That would give us more room in our tent for the Playpen for Joshua and our air mattress and all the home away from home things that I just can't live without while camping. I never rough it.... I have always been an over packer and I think someone needs to teach me how to pack. It's the funniest thing ever! I'm gone for a week and bring 10 pairs of shoes. I might want to wear a pair! I think I'm getting better about packing but I'm sure other people would totally disagree.
So we set up the tent for Shanelle and Chellsea and had a fun day at the Campground. Dean left for work and we got the girls to bed that night, and they were sleeping like little angels in their cozy tent.
Shanelle was 7 and Chellsea was 4. I knew they were little to be separated from us for the weekend, but their tent was right next to ours and I would barely sleep that night because I knew I was going to have that mother's ear hoping no one would unzip that tent and kidnap our baby girls. Mom's have that fear of out of site children something bad happening. Even though we were safe and Sheri's Tent was next to theirs. I still just had this...... feeling.....
Joshua was almost turning one in a couple of months. We put him to sleep in his playpen and he fell asleep like a little angel too from all that fresh air. We had the fan in our tent to blow the hot air around, I thought we would really be having a fun weekend at the Campground with our Dear Friends... But the storm had other ideas!
Like I said, the kids were sound asleep. I decided I wanted a baked potatoe with a sausage in the middle of it wrapped up in aluminum foil and set in the fire to cook. I carved out the middle of the potatoe, put my sausage in it and wrapped it up and set it in the fire. I told Steve to get me up when it was done, I was just going to go lay down for a few. I knew we wanted to hang out by the fire that night and have some drinks and giggles, but.... I felt so tired and needed a little rest. I got under the covers ontop of our air mattress and just sorta rested for a little bit. I actually was having a weird feeling. I was aware of where our tent was. Under a tree, and I could hear a distant storm heading our way. It sounded like bowling in the sky. It was pretty far away but I was praying it was heading in a different direction. We were in a tent and that's not much protection from a storm, and if it was a huge storm... We were in trouble! I laid on the air mattress all cozy and comfy but this thought just kept coming over me. It was..... What if lightning hits the tree and it falls on us while we are sleeping. I told myself to not sleep on my stomach or I won't be able to breathe. Then, the next thought was what if the lightning hits the tree and falls on us. I re-asurred myself in my mind and said, if the tree falls I'll sleep on my back so I can breathe if the tree falls on us. I know it sounds strange, but it's true..... I could hear the faint sprinkles of rain hitting the top of our tent... but it was nothing. We did not need an umbrella or anything like that, it was just a little drizzle I guess...
Steve got me up after a few minutes and said my yummy potatoe was done. So I unzipped the tent and went and ate the most delicious fire side baked potatoe with the sausage in the middle. It was so good because the potatoe actually tasted like sausage. I ate it and enjoyed every bite.
The bowling sound of the storm was getting a lot closer. The rain started to be more than just a drizzle. The winds picked up and we were in for one heck of a storm. We were running out of time and we rushed around and put anything that would get ruined away and covered up. We rolled up the windows of the car, we took all the dry towels off the line and just hurridly ran around camp and put things away.
Sheri went to her Tent, Dean was still at work.
Steve and I went to our tent where Joshua was in his playpen sleeping so soundly. We had that fan hooked up in the window and Steve thought it would be a good idea to unhook the fan and unplug it from the extension cord and then hurry up and zip the window back up to not let the rain it. I was more interested in shining the flashlight around the tent looking for mosquitoes that I did not want them to bite me in the middle of the night. He yelled at me and said, " Damn it Kathy, shine that flashlight over here so I can untie the knot and get this fan out of the screened tent window. So, I quit looking for mosquitoes and shined the light on the window so he could untie the fan. As soon as he untied the fan and set it on the ground.. We heard............ CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! saw nothing but white for it seemed like minutes and then smelled fire. I could not see anything but white. I could not hear anything the crash deafened me, The next thing I heard was, Steve swearing and panicking to get out of the tent and check on Shanelle and Chellsea in the tent next to us.
He ran out of that tent so fast and I could hear him swearing and panicking and the girls were screaming and crying and me, I was rocking on top of the air mattress with my hands folded and feeling like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz saying to myself over and over and over, I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home. I could barely move and it all happened so fast. When the white light went away and I could see that we were all still alive I tried to lean over Joshua's play pen and scoop him up into my arms. I stopped in my tracks. I did not know if the metal around the playpen was electrified and if I touched it I was going to get a huge electrical shock of my life. I did not care at that moment. I just wanted Joshua in my arms. He was sound asleep and did not even wake up when I leaned over the playpen gingerly not touching the sides. I just touched him...... I grabbed him up so fast and just rocked with him. I was not going to go outside in that storm, No way.... Next thing I knew Steve was huffing and puffing and flew into our Tent and said some words that I dont' even remember. He had his robe on and it was soaking wet, he carried the girls to our car and got them inside, he was comming back for Joshua and I....
He flew into that tent so fast and scooped us up and got us into the car. We left everything. Sherri had heard the storm comming and was already in her car before the lightning struck..... And saw the whole thing from her car. I was in the car but it felt like a bad dream. The girls were crying, I was crying, Steve was panicking and ran back to the tent and got my purse and car keys. We left everything at the campground. We drove home and Sheri followed us as she left everything at the campground also.
We drove the hour home and that whole time, I was clenching the seat belt, hyper ventalating, not being able to breathe....... I looked over at Steve and he was driving the Car Naked....... His robe was so soaking wet, I still don't know where he put it, or threw it or anything. We were on the way home and we still could not hear anything but the ringing in our ears and seeing the flash of the lightning and the smell of fire. When that happens you run for your life... That's just what we did! I was hoping we were not going to get pulled over by the police on the way home, How could we even explain my naked husband driving the car in the middle of the night..
When we got home and got the girls in their beds and Joshua in his bed Sheri, Steve and I were in the house pacing, doing circles, going absolutely insane saying OMG, OMG, OMG. We were a wreck! Steve and Sheri and I were so mentally and physically drained the only thing we could think of to do was just settle down. Just settle down, that's all we kept thinking about.
Well, before we left for camping when we locked up the house to go, I leaned down and petted the new little white kitty that my girlfriend Genette had given to us. She was really super sick and could not take care of the cat. So I said yes, We only had the cat for a couple of days. When I was petting the cat, I saw something come out of it's butt. It was worms........ I screamed and threw that cat out of the house so fast he did not know what hit him. So the whole time we were camping I thought the cat would run away and find a new home. I was not going to tell Genette that, but that's what I was wishing for.
Well, Shanelle's room was just off the living room and she had a twin size water bed. Mom and Dad had one and she wanted one too. So here's Steve in the water bed, here's me in the water bed and here's Sheri in the water bed. The three of us were not going to leave each others sides for nothing that night.
We had Shanelle's bedroom window open. It's one of those windows that pushes out with some metal thing and then you fold the metal thing behind the other metal thing and it just opens the window just enough to get some air thru the window.
It opened just enough for that white cat to jump up onto the screen and cause this sound that made us all re-live the moment of the lightning. We all jumped out of that little tiny water bed and were doing circles around the house, it was totally like re-living that awful moment. Steve was hyperventalating this time. Sheri was crying, me...... I was a mess. Total panic attack and I knew I could not settle down it was the worst feeling ever. Sheri actually drove me to the hospital where they gave me some sort of valium or something. I was so relieved that no one in my family was hurt, and my girlfriend Sheri was fine.... It was all way too much for any of us grown adults!
When Sheri got me back home we all crawled back into that water bed and fell asleep. I don't remember a damn thing. I was out cold!
The next morning..... Steve and Sheri said to me, " Stay here Kathy, Steve and I are going to go back to the campground and go get all of our camping stuff. It was still really early in the morning and the kids were still sleeping. I just laid in bed and sobbed and Thanked GOD a million times for Sheri and Dean for bringing that extra tent. The fire in our tent was right at the spot between our air mattress and Joshua's playpen. I shiver at the thought saying that our daughter air mattress would have been in the spot where the fire was. Or so I thought......
Later that morning Steve and Sheri showed up back in our driveway. When they got out of the car and came in the house. The look on their faces said it all....... It was not good!
Steve said to me, " Kathy, I'm so glad you did not go back to the campground this morning, you would not have wanted to see what we saw. He held up his hat that he wore that day, it had melted and burned where the rivots were, he held up the baby food jars that we had for Joshua and each top of the baby food jars where there was a metal top was totally melted and and burned, he told me that Joshua's playpen was all scortched and burnt and that there were two burn holes in the tent, an enterance burn and an exit burn. I cried....
I then realized that all the diapers we had got all wet and I needed to go to the store and get some diapers. I got into the car and drove to Meijers just down the road from us. When I got to Meijer's I could see the sky turning green from another stom, so I hurried up and ran to the diaper department and wanted to get my butt out of there fast. That's when the power went out in Meijer's and I right that moment peed my pants from fear! It was just too soon, to scary for me.... Then the power came back on and I paid for the diapers and stood at the door to get out of Meijer's. I told GOD please give me strengh to get back to the car and not get hit by lightning. I can so remember standing next to the car with the key to the car in my hand and panicking because I was holding a metal key. My hand was shaking so bad I could barely get that key into the keyhole. Then when I did and got into the car, I immediately thought of all the power lines that I had to drive under on the way home. I was so scared at this moment I was shaking like a leaf. I decided to go the back roads so I did not have to pass under one power line. I was not going to take any chances. The whole ride home I prayed, and prayed and prayed. By the time I got into our driveway the storm was here and I could not get out of the car. I sat there for a few minutes and Steve was at the back door looking at me waiting for me to get out of the car and come inside. I could not do it..... I could not move, I was frozen scared!
Next thing I knew he was like superman. He came out the back door with this big blue blanket and opened up the car door and helped me out and I seriously think he carried me in. I was in tears with these wet pants on that I had just peed in at Meijer's and I was a mess.... A total friggin mess!
I got washed up and clean clothes on and then the storm was getting worse by the minute. It was here and right on top of us! I yelled for Steve to take the kids next door and to go into Grandpa Wilson's basement. Steve took Shanelle and Chellsea and Sheri took Joshua and ran next door. When it was my turn to run next door........ I looked at the back screen door and stood there not able to touch it. It was metal. I could not touch metal..... I was afraid, I thought I had this electrical current running thru me or something. I think being afraid so bad, my mind just told me Don't touch it! So there I stood at the door unable to open it and run for cover.
We were on the front page of the newspaper the next day........ I should have kept a copy of that article and post it now, but........... I did not want it... I did not want a reminder of what had happened to us. I wanted to forget it so fast. But I could not. To this day if it rains really hard and there's lightning, I won't be on the phone, I won't touch anything metal and I'm like a scared Momma all over again.. Total Traumatizing for this Momma!
That's when I knew I needed help with handeling things in my life. I needed to Thank God for sparing me and my children and my husband and girlfriend from harm.
I went to Church and got a sponsor and became Catholic. It was soooooooooo what I needed. I needed to Thank GOD...... I did..
That's when I also went to Confession..............
Yes I did....... I'm going to share with you something that I told the Priest. You are not going to believe what he told me............
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
I sorta had a bad feeling that night...
It was 4th of July weekend.
We had been planning this camping trip with Dean and Sheri and we packed the cars and headed out. Dean packed his car before work and went to work that night on the evening shift at his job.
Well, Sheri packed her own car and set up camp while Dean was at work. When he got to the Campground, low and behold there was an extra Tent. Dean packed one and so did Sheri. So we took advantage of it and set it up for Shanelle and Chellsea. That would give us more room in our tent for the Playpen for Joshua and our air mattress and all the home away from home things that I just can't live without while camping. I never rough it.... I have always been an over packer and I think someone needs to teach me how to pack. It's the funniest thing ever! I'm gone for a week and bring 10 pairs of shoes. I might want to wear a pair! I think I'm getting better about packing but I'm sure other people would totally disagree.
So we set up the tent for Shanelle and Chellsea and had a fun day at the Campground. Dean left for work and we got the girls to bed that night, and they were sleeping like little angels in their cozy tent.
Shanelle was 7 and Chellsea was 4. I knew they were little to be separated from us for the weekend, but their tent was right next to ours and I would barely sleep that night because I knew I was going to have that mother's ear hoping no one would unzip that tent and kidnap our baby girls. Mom's have that fear of out of site children something bad happening. Even though we were safe and Sheri's Tent was next to theirs. I still just had this...... feeling.....
Joshua was almost turning one in a couple of months. We put him to sleep in his playpen and he fell asleep like a little angel too from all that fresh air. We had the fan in our tent to blow the hot air around, I thought we would really be having a fun weekend at the Campground with our Dear Friends... But the storm had other ideas!
Like I said, the kids were sound asleep. I decided I wanted a baked potatoe with a sausage in the middle of it wrapped up in aluminum foil and set in the fire to cook. I carved out the middle of the potatoe, put my sausage in it and wrapped it up and set it in the fire. I told Steve to get me up when it was done, I was just going to go lay down for a few. I knew we wanted to hang out by the fire that night and have some drinks and giggles, but.... I felt so tired and needed a little rest. I got under the covers ontop of our air mattress and just sorta rested for a little bit. I actually was having a weird feeling. I was aware of where our tent was. Under a tree, and I could hear a distant storm heading our way. It sounded like bowling in the sky. It was pretty far away but I was praying it was heading in a different direction. We were in a tent and that's not much protection from a storm, and if it was a huge storm... We were in trouble! I laid on the air mattress all cozy and comfy but this thought just kept coming over me. It was..... What if lightning hits the tree and it falls on us while we are sleeping. I told myself to not sleep on my stomach or I won't be able to breathe. Then, the next thought was what if the lightning hits the tree and falls on us. I re-asurred myself in my mind and said, if the tree falls I'll sleep on my back so I can breathe if the tree falls on us. I know it sounds strange, but it's true..... I could hear the faint sprinkles of rain hitting the top of our tent... but it was nothing. We did not need an umbrella or anything like that, it was just a little drizzle I guess...
Steve got me up after a few minutes and said my yummy potatoe was done. So I unzipped the tent and went and ate the most delicious fire side baked potatoe with the sausage in the middle. It was so good because the potatoe actually tasted like sausage. I ate it and enjoyed every bite.
The bowling sound of the storm was getting a lot closer. The rain started to be more than just a drizzle. The winds picked up and we were in for one heck of a storm. We were running out of time and we rushed around and put anything that would get ruined away and covered up. We rolled up the windows of the car, we took all the dry towels off the line and just hurridly ran around camp and put things away.
Sheri went to her Tent, Dean was still at work.
Steve and I went to our tent where Joshua was in his playpen sleeping so soundly. We had that fan hooked up in the window and Steve thought it would be a good idea to unhook the fan and unplug it from the extension cord and then hurry up and zip the window back up to not let the rain it. I was more interested in shining the flashlight around the tent looking for mosquitoes that I did not want them to bite me in the middle of the night. He yelled at me and said, " Damn it Kathy, shine that flashlight over here so I can untie the knot and get this fan out of the screened tent window. So, I quit looking for mosquitoes and shined the light on the window so he could untie the fan. As soon as he untied the fan and set it on the ground.. We heard............ CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! saw nothing but white for it seemed like minutes and then smelled fire. I could not see anything but white. I could not hear anything the crash deafened me, The next thing I heard was, Steve swearing and panicking to get out of the tent and check on Shanelle and Chellsea in the tent next to us.
He ran out of that tent so fast and I could hear him swearing and panicking and the girls were screaming and crying and me, I was rocking on top of the air mattress with my hands folded and feeling like Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz saying to myself over and over and over, I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home. I could barely move and it all happened so fast. When the white light went away and I could see that we were all still alive I tried to lean over Joshua's play pen and scoop him up into my arms. I stopped in my tracks. I did not know if the metal around the playpen was electrified and if I touched it I was going to get a huge electrical shock of my life. I did not care at that moment. I just wanted Joshua in my arms. He was sound asleep and did not even wake up when I leaned over the playpen gingerly not touching the sides. I just touched him...... I grabbed him up so fast and just rocked with him. I was not going to go outside in that storm, No way.... Next thing I knew Steve was huffing and puffing and flew into our Tent and said some words that I dont' even remember. He had his robe on and it was soaking wet, he carried the girls to our car and got them inside, he was comming back for Joshua and I....
He flew into that tent so fast and scooped us up and got us into the car. We left everything. Sherri had heard the storm comming and was already in her car before the lightning struck..... And saw the whole thing from her car. I was in the car but it felt like a bad dream. The girls were crying, I was crying, Steve was panicking and ran back to the tent and got my purse and car keys. We left everything at the campground. We drove home and Sheri followed us as she left everything at the campground also.
We drove the hour home and that whole time, I was clenching the seat belt, hyper ventalating, not being able to breathe....... I looked over at Steve and he was driving the Car Naked....... His robe was so soaking wet, I still don't know where he put it, or threw it or anything. We were on the way home and we still could not hear anything but the ringing in our ears and seeing the flash of the lightning and the smell of fire. When that happens you run for your life... That's just what we did! I was hoping we were not going to get pulled over by the police on the way home, How could we even explain my naked husband driving the car in the middle of the night..
When we got home and got the girls in their beds and Joshua in his bed Sheri, Steve and I were in the house pacing, doing circles, going absolutely insane saying OMG, OMG, OMG. We were a wreck! Steve and Sheri and I were so mentally and physically drained the only thing we could think of to do was just settle down. Just settle down, that's all we kept thinking about.
Well, before we left for camping when we locked up the house to go, I leaned down and petted the new little white kitty that my girlfriend Genette had given to us. She was really super sick and could not take care of the cat. So I said yes, We only had the cat for a couple of days. When I was petting the cat, I saw something come out of it's butt. It was worms........ I screamed and threw that cat out of the house so fast he did not know what hit him. So the whole time we were camping I thought the cat would run away and find a new home. I was not going to tell Genette that, but that's what I was wishing for.
Well, Shanelle's room was just off the living room and she had a twin size water bed. Mom and Dad had one and she wanted one too. So here's Steve in the water bed, here's me in the water bed and here's Sheri in the water bed. The three of us were not going to leave each others sides for nothing that night.
We had Shanelle's bedroom window open. It's one of those windows that pushes out with some metal thing and then you fold the metal thing behind the other metal thing and it just opens the window just enough to get some air thru the window.
It opened just enough for that white cat to jump up onto the screen and cause this sound that made us all re-live the moment of the lightning. We all jumped out of that little tiny water bed and were doing circles around the house, it was totally like re-living that awful moment. Steve was hyperventalating this time. Sheri was crying, me...... I was a mess. Total panic attack and I knew I could not settle down it was the worst feeling ever. Sheri actually drove me to the hospital where they gave me some sort of valium or something. I was so relieved that no one in my family was hurt, and my girlfriend Sheri was fine.... It was all way too much for any of us grown adults!
When Sheri got me back home we all crawled back into that water bed and fell asleep. I don't remember a damn thing. I was out cold!
The next morning..... Steve and Sheri said to me, " Stay here Kathy, Steve and I are going to go back to the campground and go get all of our camping stuff. It was still really early in the morning and the kids were still sleeping. I just laid in bed and sobbed and Thanked GOD a million times for Sheri and Dean for bringing that extra tent. The fire in our tent was right at the spot between our air mattress and Joshua's playpen. I shiver at the thought saying that our daughter air mattress would have been in the spot where the fire was. Or so I thought......
Later that morning Steve and Sheri showed up back in our driveway. When they got out of the car and came in the house. The look on their faces said it all....... It was not good!
Steve said to me, " Kathy, I'm so glad you did not go back to the campground this morning, you would not have wanted to see what we saw. He held up his hat that he wore that day, it had melted and burned where the rivots were, he held up the baby food jars that we had for Joshua and each top of the baby food jars where there was a metal top was totally melted and and burned, he told me that Joshua's playpen was all scortched and burnt and that there were two burn holes in the tent, an enterance burn and an exit burn. I cried....
I then realized that all the diapers we had got all wet and I needed to go to the store and get some diapers. I got into the car and drove to Meijers just down the road from us. When I got to Meijer's I could see the sky turning green from another stom, so I hurried up and ran to the diaper department and wanted to get my butt out of there fast. That's when the power went out in Meijer's and I right that moment peed my pants from fear! It was just too soon, to scary for me.... Then the power came back on and I paid for the diapers and stood at the door to get out of Meijer's. I told GOD please give me strengh to get back to the car and not get hit by lightning. I can so remember standing next to the car with the key to the car in my hand and panicking because I was holding a metal key. My hand was shaking so bad I could barely get that key into the keyhole. Then when I did and got into the car, I immediately thought of all the power lines that I had to drive under on the way home. I was so scared at this moment I was shaking like a leaf. I decided to go the back roads so I did not have to pass under one power line. I was not going to take any chances. The whole ride home I prayed, and prayed and prayed. By the time I got into our driveway the storm was here and I could not get out of the car. I sat there for a few minutes and Steve was at the back door looking at me waiting for me to get out of the car and come inside. I could not do it..... I could not move, I was frozen scared!
Next thing I knew he was like superman. He came out the back door with this big blue blanket and opened up the car door and helped me out and I seriously think he carried me in. I was in tears with these wet pants on that I had just peed in at Meijer's and I was a mess.... A total friggin mess!
I got washed up and clean clothes on and then the storm was getting worse by the minute. It was here and right on top of us! I yelled for Steve to take the kids next door and to go into Grandpa Wilson's basement. Steve took Shanelle and Chellsea and Sheri took Joshua and ran next door. When it was my turn to run next door........ I looked at the back screen door and stood there not able to touch it. It was metal. I could not touch metal..... I was afraid, I thought I had this electrical current running thru me or something. I think being afraid so bad, my mind just told me Don't touch it! So there I stood at the door unable to open it and run for cover.
We were on the front page of the newspaper the next day........ I should have kept a copy of that article and post it now, but........... I did not want it... I did not want a reminder of what had happened to us. I wanted to forget it so fast. But I could not. To this day if it rains really hard and there's lightning, I won't be on the phone, I won't touch anything metal and I'm like a scared Momma all over again.. Total Traumatizing for this Momma!
That's when I knew I needed help with handeling things in my life. I needed to Thank God for sparing me and my children and my husband and girlfriend from harm.
I went to Church and got a sponsor and became Catholic. It was soooooooooo what I needed. I needed to Thank GOD...... I did..
That's when I also went to Confession..............
Yes I did....... I'm going to share with you something that I told the Priest. You are not going to believe what he told me............
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
27). The Finish Line
I have to admit writing these past few days and exposing my emotional hardships is not easy, it's actually a reminder of all the things that I want to forget. It's easy for me to say forget about it......!! But I can't.. I can finally let it go but I won't forget about it and all I can say is I really think there's been a black cloud over my entire family many years even before I was thought of.
I was pre-disposed to some things in my life for sure. I think even being so sensitive, being so.... worried about what people think, being so....... giving... being so.... who the heck knows. I just know a few things in life and the things that I know forsure are....
People have things.....
Baggage, life experiences,
Grief,
hardships,
freight,
fears,
lonliness,
all those things in life that we can't control.....
I just am saying that my life was OUT OF CONTROL...
That to me was the hardest part.
Everything that happened to me.
I did not do myself....
It was from everyone else's wheelbarrow of shit that they had to put me through.
I mean really.
I was under anesthesia when they operated on the wrong area of my spine,
I was in the right lane with my blinker on when that damn truck hit me and made me take the crunch in the crunch zone of my entire body and life..
I did not tell you about the other stories and those are to come,
I'm just a a wild moment right now as to what to write about...
I said from the start that I was going to start from the beginning and here I am re-living the 1990's.
I think they really sucked the worst I guess.
Those are the years that changed my life and my dreams.
But.....
Maybe I learned from it.
Maybe I have to really listen to myself and find out why that happened to me.
I'm a much better person.
I have slowed down alot and had alot of time that past couple of years to reflect and.....
try to really figure out why am I here.
Why was I put in this place called earth? What is my role in life other than being a wife and mother,
what in the world am I doing?
I don't just want to take up space and do nothing.
I just don't know what that something is people.
I'm trying to listen to my inner self so bad these past few months.
I think I know why....
I'm afraid..
Yeah.... There's this damn thing in our family that's freaking me out and I can't help but think about it, it's just the way I am... So... I know it's not up to me.. I have no choice. And I'll do anything in my power to prevent it, but... I'm still deep down a little bit afraid... It's all out of my control. I know it.... I just don't like it! The unexpected... I don't want any unexpected stuff!
I do know....
I don't want--
HISTORY TO REPEAT IT'S SELF!
It's all in the numbers.... I love numbers. I think I get it from my Mother. She always hated the number 13.. I was born on the 13th so I never liked it when she would say that...
She never liked the number 49.
Her Grandfather died at 49
Her Father died at 49
Her Brother died at 49
I'm almost 47 in two weeks and it really is freaking me out, I think I'm having this rush of madness in my own skin to hurry up and get 49 over with... But then I need to tell myself... LOL Okay, Kathy- settle down. You had 5 years taken from you in a sense of the word so slow down and relax, like I have some sort of control of my own body clock---- I tell myself that losing those 5 years to pain and not fun... I actually can deduct 5 years from my birth date and that would make me almost 44. yeah,... that' works for me...
But it's my brother. He's 48....... almost that dreaded bad number 49..... His health is a medical mystery at this point. He's still on Dialysis, he's had diabetes since High School. He looks great.. I just wish someone could tell me that he can live a long time on Dialysis. Please let him make it past the 49th Birthday...... OMG...... I'm having a little panic attack. I know what it is right.... now.
I have had too much grief for one person!
But so have other people.... Why am I the one that feels the way I do about it. I feel lost without those most special people in my life. They are the one's that grew up with me, the one's that cared for me the most..... No one knows you like your family and when you lose your family and have a fear of losing your family... It's an awful thing. I just need to really stop being afraid of what's ahead. I just don't want any more BAD THINGS!!! ... I want good things to happen. I want to sleep good, feel good, love good, smile good, just do good things I guess. Whatever........ I'll figure it out! HOLIDAY'S ARE THE WORST............... what I would give to have one more Christmas with my family. I must be selfish... I want them back in my life.... I want each and every person that passed away that I loved so much back.... Who am I kidding. I know there is not a magic wand for that. I just have to live on the fact that my day will come and when it does, I hope I'm prepared.. I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE A BUCKET LIST..... BUT......
maybe I should just have an I love you because list!
Is this what you call a MID LIFE CRISIS.. I'm giggling right now hoping and praying I don't have to go thru that too! Getting older has so many challenges.....
I don't have to explain what I think and feel every moment do I ??? LOL
This is MY BLOG A BOOK so I can basically say and do and write what ever the heck I want.
I can't control my fingers as I type this stuff, it's like I'm being taken over my this inner writer that has so much to say and her fingers are just tapping at the keys and she's in this zone....... I'm in this writers zone people.... I seriously woke up at five this a.m. and had to write. It's crazy I can't even explain it.
Can I call my life a Twilight Zone.... yes! It even started out like a Twilight Zone.... For my Mother anyways. !!!
Here she was in the kitchen at 16430 Fullerton in Detroit. She was re-arranging the kitchen with her Mother Beaulah Pauline. My Mother decided to move the refrigerator at 7 months pregnant and went into labor and delivered ME....... in the bathroom on Fullerton. Yep... I was premature weighing only 2 pounds 13 ounes. My Uncle Paul always told me . " He could hold me in the palm of his hand".
So maybe me being born in a bathroom pre-disposed me to having a bunch of shitty experiences? I sure hope not! It's funny but not funny! I do try to make the best of every situation ya know, Atleast I do have that going for me! I do see the Postive in everything. Maybe I'll get a Tatto that says that. Or maybe just a plus sign...... LOL
No..... I have a Turtle Tatoo. I got in when my daughter Chellsea turned 19 we went down to Fort Meyer's, Florida and BIG DADDY gave Chellsea her Rose Tattoo she picked out and me..... My Turtle Tattoo. He's a little guy with a big job!!!! His name is VERN. He follows me where ever I go and he also always has my back. Turtles have 13 moons on their backs, and they move slower but they DO CROSS THE FINISH LINE........ I So I'm creeping along slowly with Vern each and everyday and always know.... I'll be alright with his little bit of Turtle Love.
Okay.... I'm taking a watermelon break. Ummmmmmmmmm Thanks Ted for putting it on my kitchen counter today.
Thanks Ted for being so sweet to me since you moved in next door. I adore you and Cindy and Bailey so much! Thanks for your support on days like this when I'm just struggling... struggling to make life great again. xoxoxo
xoxo Just wanted to send some Kiki love your way.. I know you living next door to me is probably a bit over whelming at times with you trying to figure me out. LOL I'm cracking up because I'm over here trying to do the same damn thing with my self.
I'll be alright! I have no other choice in life. I just hope the rest of my life is way better than some of the really bad years in life. There, I said it! Hope GOD hears me!
I love my Book A Blog and that's my story and I'm sticking to it.....
To be continued.
© Kik LaFleur-Wilson
I was pre-disposed to some things in my life for sure. I think even being so sensitive, being so.... worried about what people think, being so....... giving... being so.... who the heck knows. I just know a few things in life and the things that I know forsure are....
People have things.....
Baggage, life experiences,
Grief,
hardships,
freight,
fears,
lonliness,
all those things in life that we can't control.....
I just am saying that my life was OUT OF CONTROL...
That to me was the hardest part.
Everything that happened to me.
I did not do myself....
It was from everyone else's wheelbarrow of shit that they had to put me through.
I mean really.
I was under anesthesia when they operated on the wrong area of my spine,
I was in the right lane with my blinker on when that damn truck hit me and made me take the crunch in the crunch zone of my entire body and life..
I did not tell you about the other stories and those are to come,
I'm just a a wild moment right now as to what to write about...
I said from the start that I was going to start from the beginning and here I am re-living the 1990's.
I think they really sucked the worst I guess.
Those are the years that changed my life and my dreams.
But.....
Maybe I learned from it.
Maybe I have to really listen to myself and find out why that happened to me.
I'm a much better person.
I have slowed down alot and had alot of time that past couple of years to reflect and.....
try to really figure out why am I here.
Why was I put in this place called earth? What is my role in life other than being a wife and mother,
what in the world am I doing?
I don't just want to take up space and do nothing.
I just don't know what that something is people.
I'm trying to listen to my inner self so bad these past few months.
I think I know why....
I'm afraid..
Yeah.... There's this damn thing in our family that's freaking me out and I can't help but think about it, it's just the way I am... So... I know it's not up to me.. I have no choice. And I'll do anything in my power to prevent it, but... I'm still deep down a little bit afraid... It's all out of my control. I know it.... I just don't like it! The unexpected... I don't want any unexpected stuff!
I do know....
I don't want--
HISTORY TO REPEAT IT'S SELF!
It's all in the numbers.... I love numbers. I think I get it from my Mother. She always hated the number 13.. I was born on the 13th so I never liked it when she would say that...
She never liked the number 49.
Her Grandfather died at 49
Her Father died at 49
Her Brother died at 49
I'm almost 47 in two weeks and it really is freaking me out, I think I'm having this rush of madness in my own skin to hurry up and get 49 over with... But then I need to tell myself... LOL Okay, Kathy- settle down. You had 5 years taken from you in a sense of the word so slow down and relax, like I have some sort of control of my own body clock---- I tell myself that losing those 5 years to pain and not fun... I actually can deduct 5 years from my birth date and that would make me almost 44. yeah,... that' works for me...
But it's my brother. He's 48....... almost that dreaded bad number 49..... His health is a medical mystery at this point. He's still on Dialysis, he's had diabetes since High School. He looks great.. I just wish someone could tell me that he can live a long time on Dialysis. Please let him make it past the 49th Birthday...... OMG...... I'm having a little panic attack. I know what it is right.... now.
I have had too much grief for one person!
But so have other people.... Why am I the one that feels the way I do about it. I feel lost without those most special people in my life. They are the one's that grew up with me, the one's that cared for me the most..... No one knows you like your family and when you lose your family and have a fear of losing your family... It's an awful thing. I just need to really stop being afraid of what's ahead. I just don't want any more BAD THINGS!!! ... I want good things to happen. I want to sleep good, feel good, love good, smile good, just do good things I guess. Whatever........ I'll figure it out! HOLIDAY'S ARE THE WORST............... what I would give to have one more Christmas with my family. I must be selfish... I want them back in my life.... I want each and every person that passed away that I loved so much back.... Who am I kidding. I know there is not a magic wand for that. I just have to live on the fact that my day will come and when it does, I hope I'm prepared.. I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE A BUCKET LIST..... BUT......
maybe I should just have an I love you because list!
Is this what you call a MID LIFE CRISIS.. I'm giggling right now hoping and praying I don't have to go thru that too! Getting older has so many challenges.....
I don't have to explain what I think and feel every moment do I ??? LOL
This is MY BLOG A BOOK so I can basically say and do and write what ever the heck I want.
I can't control my fingers as I type this stuff, it's like I'm being taken over my this inner writer that has so much to say and her fingers are just tapping at the keys and she's in this zone....... I'm in this writers zone people.... I seriously woke up at five this a.m. and had to write. It's crazy I can't even explain it.
Can I call my life a Twilight Zone.... yes! It even started out like a Twilight Zone.... For my Mother anyways. !!!
Here she was in the kitchen at 16430 Fullerton in Detroit. She was re-arranging the kitchen with her Mother Beaulah Pauline. My Mother decided to move the refrigerator at 7 months pregnant and went into labor and delivered ME....... in the bathroom on Fullerton. Yep... I was premature weighing only 2 pounds 13 ounes. My Uncle Paul always told me . " He could hold me in the palm of his hand".
So maybe me being born in a bathroom pre-disposed me to having a bunch of shitty experiences? I sure hope not! It's funny but not funny! I do try to make the best of every situation ya know, Atleast I do have that going for me! I do see the Postive in everything. Maybe I'll get a Tatto that says that. Or maybe just a plus sign...... LOL
No..... I have a Turtle Tatoo. I got in when my daughter Chellsea turned 19 we went down to Fort Meyer's, Florida and BIG DADDY gave Chellsea her Rose Tattoo she picked out and me..... My Turtle Tattoo. He's a little guy with a big job!!!! His name is VERN. He follows me where ever I go and he also always has my back. Turtles have 13 moons on their backs, and they move slower but they DO CROSS THE FINISH LINE........ I So I'm creeping along slowly with Vern each and everyday and always know.... I'll be alright with his little bit of Turtle Love.
Okay.... I'm taking a watermelon break. Ummmmmmmmmm Thanks Ted for putting it on my kitchen counter today.
Thanks Ted for being so sweet to me since you moved in next door. I adore you and Cindy and Bailey so much! Thanks for your support on days like this when I'm just struggling... struggling to make life great again. xoxoxo
xoxo Just wanted to send some Kiki love your way.. I know you living next door to me is probably a bit over whelming at times with you trying to figure me out. LOL I'm cracking up because I'm over here trying to do the same damn thing with my self.
I'll be alright! I have no other choice in life. I just hope the rest of my life is way better than some of the really bad years in life. There, I said it! Hope GOD hears me!
I love my Book A Blog and that's my story and I'm sticking to it.....
To be continued.
© Kik LaFleur-Wilson
26). Do I miss you?
I just walked back from my brother in law and sister in laws next door.... I had to share with them the funny, funny mail I got today. Just in time I tell you. Writing about the losses and the struggles these past few days does tend to wear on your nerves so........ having something unexpected come in the mail is just the greatest timing ever and having the hug from my sister in law Cindy a few moments ago really helped. I told her about my Blog/Book........ and I'm actually so excited to share it with everyone. I'm not afraid anymore to say what I feel and feel what I say.... I'm old enough to know that I appreciate every minute of every day!
The Card says.......
Do I miss you?
Would I waste a stamp if I didn't?
Sheesh...... Not at these prices!
Hey Girlfriend,
I just had to say Thank you for puttin up with me, and my late night phone calls.
Honestly I don't know what I would do without you. Just thinking about you makes me smile, and our talks we share always leaves me feeling so Loved, and so Blessed To have a True Friend.
Honeybee, I have to tell you something. Because of you I'm really excited about my New Future, I'm about to venture off too.
Even If I never find the man of my Dreams, I know I'll have fun Looking. You know I'll have fun Looking. You know your going to have to go on this Journey with me. This is a journey with me. This is a search to BIG for one girl alone. Maybe I should just have them e-mail you before agreeing to a date... LOL
You know there are so many questions we need to ask them. Maybe we should make up an application. Hee hee
1. Are you a Jealous Type?
2. Do you mind you girlfriend spending time with her girlfriends?
3. do you mind buying airline tickets for her girlfriend to visit?
4. Do you mind buying a ticket for her to go visit her girlfriend?
If they answered NO to all them w would have to excetp their application.
No really in all honesty there are a lot of questions to ask before dating. Hell, I'm just getting to old for Heartbreak after heartbreak so you have to help keep me in line. Think of it not as a Job, but an adventure. LOL
Anyway, Thank you Honeybee for being the bestest of friends!
Love ya, love ya,
Debbie xo xo xo
She's the Debbie that I told you about that we went to kindergarten thru high school together and then she came to our house and knocked on our door........
You know the one's that you........... know you can never ever find friends like that anymore. They just don't make them!
So................. Thanks for today...... I went to bed deaming of all the things I'm going to write about and slept a few hours and woke up with more ideas and had to come downstairs in the middle of the night and write..... I'm really actually feeling like a writer, and believe me..........
It's amazing!
Trust me!
Do I miss you? I loved that card in the mail today. Put a huge smile on my face!
Yes Deb......... I miss you so much it hurts. You live in Florida, We live here... Too many miles in between so go and find Mr. Right! xoxoxo
Love ya love ya right back!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
The Card says.......
Do I miss you?
Would I waste a stamp if I didn't?
Sheesh...... Not at these prices!
Hey Girlfriend,
I just had to say Thank you for puttin up with me, and my late night phone calls.
Honestly I don't know what I would do without you. Just thinking about you makes me smile, and our talks we share always leaves me feeling so Loved, and so Blessed To have a True Friend.
Honeybee, I have to tell you something. Because of you I'm really excited about my New Future, I'm about to venture off too.
Even If I never find the man of my Dreams, I know I'll have fun Looking. You know I'll have fun Looking. You know your going to have to go on this Journey with me. This is a journey with me. This is a search to BIG for one girl alone. Maybe I should just have them e-mail you before agreeing to a date... LOL
You know there are so many questions we need to ask them. Maybe we should make up an application. Hee hee
1. Are you a Jealous Type?
2. Do you mind you girlfriend spending time with her girlfriends?
3. do you mind buying airline tickets for her girlfriend to visit?
4. Do you mind buying a ticket for her to go visit her girlfriend?
If they answered NO to all them w would have to excetp their application.
No really in all honesty there are a lot of questions to ask before dating. Hell, I'm just getting to old for Heartbreak after heartbreak so you have to help keep me in line. Think of it not as a Job, but an adventure. LOL
Anyway, Thank you Honeybee for being the bestest of friends!
Love ya, love ya,
Debbie xo xo xo
She's the Debbie that I told you about that we went to kindergarten thru high school together and then she came to our house and knocked on our door........
You know the one's that you........... know you can never ever find friends like that anymore. They just don't make them!
So................. Thanks for today...... I went to bed deaming of all the things I'm going to write about and slept a few hours and woke up with more ideas and had to come downstairs in the middle of the night and write..... I'm really actually feeling like a writer, and believe me..........
It's amazing!
Trust me!
Do I miss you? I loved that card in the mail today. Put a huge smile on my face!
Yes Deb......... I miss you so much it hurts. You live in Florida, We live here... Too many miles in between so go and find Mr. Right! xoxoxo
Love ya love ya right back!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
25). Million Dollar Momma...
I was scheduled for a follow up appointment with my Back Care Doctor and when Steve and I went to see him the following week, he instantly noticed I did not have that pain look in my face. I had this different look.. I felt it too. I was sore and bruised and hurting, but in other places than my back.
The Doctor sent me for some more testing and he stuck those damn electrodes in my leg again and I was just screaming as he would trigger the different nerves and get a reading on them. When my films came back and he looked at them, he said.......... That Roll over accident in your van actually helped you but DON'T DO IT AGAIN..... He showed Steve and I my MRI films and it showed the scar tissue pulled away from the nerve roots. There still was plenty of scar tissue there and they did see that... but we all saw where the scar tissue was pulled away from the nerve root and we laughed and laughed..... something so crazy actually helped me in the long run. Amazing we all thought.... Totally amazing.
Don't get me wrong.... I still feel my back at times when I don't want to, and it still has a way of reminding me on those rainy days, the cold days, the I over done it again days, I just..... will never fully escape having Spinal troubles, but I can live with this pain. I have my days where I have to lay down on the couch and have my feet hanging over the edge and my Son or Husband or Daughter perform traction on me by slowly pulling my feet towards them... It helps relieve the pressure on my nerves on those bad days. I still can't wear high heels, I still can't wear tight pants, I still can't lift heavy things, I still have a hard time leaning over the bathtub to scrub it because I still get those sharp pains in my ribs... But I can deal with this...... I totally can deal with this new life of mine.
I think my body has had over a million dollars of medical care. I'm almost certain, so I am a Million Dollar Momma! hee hee hee
I don't cry as many tears...... I don't grunt and groan with each and every step anymore, I don't use a cane, I don't use a walker, I don't use a wheelchair...... I'm standing up on my own two feet. Priceless people....... Totally priceless!
I'm so happy I had my children when I did, because I probably would have ever been able to bear the back breaking feeling of carrying a baby in my belly after all of that. There are little silver linings in all of my life. I do realize that everyday. I have a life full of silver linings, believe me!
I figure I have had over a million dollars worth of surgeries on my body..... If I can live the rest of my life without being put under anesthesia again. I'd be so good with that! I'm not going to worry my life away, I'm not going to live in the past, I'm not going to do a damn thing but enjoy every pain free moment I have. I wish I was completely pain free, but I'm not.... But I can live with this pain. I don't want to, but I have no other choice. I have certainly seen other people suffer way more than I ever have, we each have our own story and our own pain threshold, we all have our own map of life. Mine just got off course for a few years. I'm trying everyday to just be a better me. It's taking me every minute of everyday to just get thru the day sometimes but..... I'm slowly gaining strength and courage and a different mind set so to speak.
All the bad stuff has happened, I can only look forward to the good stuff to come. They say GOD never puts on you more than you can handle. Well, it was all way more than I could handle GOD! Way more!
I don't know if I could take another bad anything. I just want to enjoy life and hear the birds sing and enjoy my life with the people and places I love. I have still so many dreams and desires and wishes that I truly want to come true. I don't need anyone to fix me or change me or live my life for me. I have to do it on my own..... At my own pace, I'm tired of defending why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am. I'm not going to do it... You either like me the way I am or...... it's your loss really. I'm a great Mom, and Great Sister, I was a great daughter, I'm a wonderful wife and I'm a fabulous friend. I don't try to hurt anyone. I just wish people would stop hurting me... Don't you think I have been through enough? Honestly..... Back off because...... You don't want to mess with Momma Wil. I have no room in my life for one ounce of pain people. My wheelbarrow of shit in my life has been over flowing for years and I finally threw that wheelbarrow away along time ago! Or so I thought!........................
I was not prepared for what was to happen next...... Not prepared at all......
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
The Doctor sent me for some more testing and he stuck those damn electrodes in my leg again and I was just screaming as he would trigger the different nerves and get a reading on them. When my films came back and he looked at them, he said.......... That Roll over accident in your van actually helped you but DON'T DO IT AGAIN..... He showed Steve and I my MRI films and it showed the scar tissue pulled away from the nerve roots. There still was plenty of scar tissue there and they did see that... but we all saw where the scar tissue was pulled away from the nerve root and we laughed and laughed..... something so crazy actually helped me in the long run. Amazing we all thought.... Totally amazing.
Don't get me wrong.... I still feel my back at times when I don't want to, and it still has a way of reminding me on those rainy days, the cold days, the I over done it again days, I just..... will never fully escape having Spinal troubles, but I can live with this pain. I have my days where I have to lay down on the couch and have my feet hanging over the edge and my Son or Husband or Daughter perform traction on me by slowly pulling my feet towards them... It helps relieve the pressure on my nerves on those bad days. I still can't wear high heels, I still can't wear tight pants, I still can't lift heavy things, I still have a hard time leaning over the bathtub to scrub it because I still get those sharp pains in my ribs... But I can deal with this...... I totally can deal with this new life of mine.
I think my body has had over a million dollars of medical care. I'm almost certain, so I am a Million Dollar Momma! hee hee hee
I don't cry as many tears...... I don't grunt and groan with each and every step anymore, I don't use a cane, I don't use a walker, I don't use a wheelchair...... I'm standing up on my own two feet. Priceless people....... Totally priceless!
I'm so happy I had my children when I did, because I probably would have ever been able to bear the back breaking feeling of carrying a baby in my belly after all of that. There are little silver linings in all of my life. I do realize that everyday. I have a life full of silver linings, believe me!
I figure I have had over a million dollars worth of surgeries on my body..... If I can live the rest of my life without being put under anesthesia again. I'd be so good with that! I'm not going to worry my life away, I'm not going to live in the past, I'm not going to do a damn thing but enjoy every pain free moment I have. I wish I was completely pain free, but I'm not.... But I can live with this pain. I don't want to, but I have no other choice. I have certainly seen other people suffer way more than I ever have, we each have our own story and our own pain threshold, we all have our own map of life. Mine just got off course for a few years. I'm trying everyday to just be a better me. It's taking me every minute of everyday to just get thru the day sometimes but..... I'm slowly gaining strength and courage and a different mind set so to speak.
All the bad stuff has happened, I can only look forward to the good stuff to come. They say GOD never puts on you more than you can handle. Well, it was all way more than I could handle GOD! Way more!
I don't know if I could take another bad anything. I just want to enjoy life and hear the birds sing and enjoy my life with the people and places I love. I have still so many dreams and desires and wishes that I truly want to come true. I don't need anyone to fix me or change me or live my life for me. I have to do it on my own..... At my own pace, I'm tired of defending why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am. I'm not going to do it... You either like me the way I am or...... it's your loss really. I'm a great Mom, and Great Sister, I was a great daughter, I'm a wonderful wife and I'm a fabulous friend. I don't try to hurt anyone. I just wish people would stop hurting me... Don't you think I have been through enough? Honestly..... Back off because...... You don't want to mess with Momma Wil. I have no room in my life for one ounce of pain people. My wheelbarrow of shit in my life has been over flowing for years and I finally threw that wheelbarrow away along time ago! Or so I thought!........................
I was not prepared for what was to happen next...... Not prepared at all......
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
24). Very Small World!
I often wonder where I found the strength.......... I'm amazed at my own self everyday..... Pain is a terrible thing. I envy people that live their daily life without pain. I wish it could have been me, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. I'm good people and thought if I write my story of survival I could help someone..... Maybe anyone!
How much can people really handle? I slowly got to see my life in a different perspective. Things were just happening.......... Strange things......
The first strange thing that happened to me was when , My parents bought a boat. They took it to Lake St. Clair and put their brand new boat into the water and spent the day on the lake with their new boat and having a blast. When the day ended and my Mom pulled the boat to shore to load it onto the boat trailer to bring the boat home, she almost hit the boat of the guy next to her. When she looked at the guy and was going to apologize to him........ She realized she knew him. It was my old boyfriend the musician Jim. He was still playing in the bands and they talked for the longest time. He told my parents he wanted to see me and told them where he would be that weekend playing and he wanted me to come and see him. So when my parents got home from their day out on the lake, My Mom called and said, " You are never going to believe who's boat I almost smashed today. When she said, Jim's name.......... I could not believe it. What a very small world.
So I told Steve that on the weekend that was coming up, I was going to go to the Bar and see Jim play. It was out in S. Lyon somewhere. I drove to the bar and went inside. I sat at the table and there he was...... Behind the drums just jamming out just like I remembered. He had the chimes, the symbols, the drums and he was using every one of them to make this great music. That's when I got to meet his new girlfriend Elaine. She looked exactly like Sandra Bullock I swear! She was so adorable and sweet and we hit it off so well. We actually hung out that summer and Steve and I would go to their house and have BBQ's and we would go out to the lake and we were having a great time. Then........ he was going to go play at a bar in Livonia right around the corner from where I grew up. It was called Hot Shots. Steve and I went into hot shots and saw him playing there. Elaine was also in the band singing her heart out with Jim and it was so much fun! Jim actually got me a painting job for the bar owner. He wanted me to design a new logo for the bar and paint it behind where the band would be playing. I was so geeked and excited to be able to paint again, paint anything! So Steve and I designed some logo's and took them to the bar owner for his approval. He picked one of the designs out and the next week I had my paints and brushes and was up there on that stage drawing free hand the new Logo for the bar. I painted it and it turned out soooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful. I felt like I made my mark back in my old neighborhood. It was an amazing feeling!
Then next weekend when Steve and I went to Hot Shots..... Elaine was not there with Jim. It was this beautiful girl named Tina. I don't know where Jim and her met, but they looked so cute together. She was tall and had long legs just like he did and they looked happy together. It was getting close to Christmas and she invited Steve and I to Jim's for Christmas dinner. I guess Jim had been cheating on Elaine with Tina and then ....... Elaine moved out and Tina moved in with Jim and she had three children. Nicole, Carrie and Nicholas. I was amazed at Jim's new little family. They were all adorable. We did go to Jim's for Christmas dinner and Tina had the house all decorated in candles and a red table cloth on each table and the coolest stocking hung by the fireplace. I commented on them and she said her Mother made them. I told her I wanted some too. Her mother Carol made me some and I still have them and hang them up every Christmas. Tina and I are now best friends and have been for years. She's also had Back surgery and I remember when I wheeled her around in her wheelchair. I never knew the same damn thing was going to happen to me. She then pushed me in my wheelchair.................. How strange is that?????
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
How much can people really handle? I slowly got to see my life in a different perspective. Things were just happening.......... Strange things......
The first strange thing that happened to me was when , My parents bought a boat. They took it to Lake St. Clair and put their brand new boat into the water and spent the day on the lake with their new boat and having a blast. When the day ended and my Mom pulled the boat to shore to load it onto the boat trailer to bring the boat home, she almost hit the boat of the guy next to her. When she looked at the guy and was going to apologize to him........ She realized she knew him. It was my old boyfriend the musician Jim. He was still playing in the bands and they talked for the longest time. He told my parents he wanted to see me and told them where he would be that weekend playing and he wanted me to come and see him. So when my parents got home from their day out on the lake, My Mom called and said, " You are never going to believe who's boat I almost smashed today. When she said, Jim's name.......... I could not believe it. What a very small world.
So I told Steve that on the weekend that was coming up, I was going to go to the Bar and see Jim play. It was out in S. Lyon somewhere. I drove to the bar and went inside. I sat at the table and there he was...... Behind the drums just jamming out just like I remembered. He had the chimes, the symbols, the drums and he was using every one of them to make this great music. That's when I got to meet his new girlfriend Elaine. She looked exactly like Sandra Bullock I swear! She was so adorable and sweet and we hit it off so well. We actually hung out that summer and Steve and I would go to their house and have BBQ's and we would go out to the lake and we were having a great time. Then........ he was going to go play at a bar in Livonia right around the corner from where I grew up. It was called Hot Shots. Steve and I went into hot shots and saw him playing there. Elaine was also in the band singing her heart out with Jim and it was so much fun! Jim actually got me a painting job for the bar owner. He wanted me to design a new logo for the bar and paint it behind where the band would be playing. I was so geeked and excited to be able to paint again, paint anything! So Steve and I designed some logo's and took them to the bar owner for his approval. He picked one of the designs out and the next week I had my paints and brushes and was up there on that stage drawing free hand the new Logo for the bar. I painted it and it turned out soooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful. I felt like I made my mark back in my old neighborhood. It was an amazing feeling!
Then next weekend when Steve and I went to Hot Shots..... Elaine was not there with Jim. It was this beautiful girl named Tina. I don't know where Jim and her met, but they looked so cute together. She was tall and had long legs just like he did and they looked happy together. It was getting close to Christmas and she invited Steve and I to Jim's for Christmas dinner. I guess Jim had been cheating on Elaine with Tina and then ....... Elaine moved out and Tina moved in with Jim and she had three children. Nicole, Carrie and Nicholas. I was amazed at Jim's new little family. They were all adorable. We did go to Jim's for Christmas dinner and Tina had the house all decorated in candles and a red table cloth on each table and the coolest stocking hung by the fireplace. I commented on them and she said her Mother made them. I told her I wanted some too. Her mother Carol made me some and I still have them and hang them up every Christmas. Tina and I are now best friends and have been for years. She's also had Back surgery and I remember when I wheeled her around in her wheelchair. I never knew the same damn thing was going to happen to me. She then pushed me in my wheelchair.................. How strange is that?????
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
23). The pills, the tests, the struggles!
The Pain pills, the tests, the struggles, the sleepless nights, the pain in my heart, the way I felt life was passing my by on a daily baisis. It was really the worst time in my life! How I survived all those long years I just don't really know. I had Traction, I had physical Therapy, I had spinal injections that I was allergic to that gave me seizures, I had a back brace to keep my spine straight, I had a wheelchair, I had a cane, I had a walker. I had needles being poked in my right leg to see how much of my nerve root was damaged. I had pool therapy for non weight bearing therapy, I had so many things that I did not want. I had people pulling on me, putting needles in me, tying me to a table and pulling me feet out little by little to take the pressure of my nerve root. It was awful! I would not wish this on my worst enemy! EVER! I might have been able to handle everything better if was not so allergic to all the medications. I could not take the Vicodin and be awake at the same time, I could not take Codeine, Motrin, Demerol, Darvocette, Morphine.... I did take Toradol that I remember and Neurotin. I felt like the Rug of Life was pulled out from under me......
Everything I did not want!
I did not want one more person touching me! I just wanted to magically wake up one morning and I would have my life back. I had plans, I had dreams, I had so much I wanted to do! Each day I felt more and more down in the dumps. I never gave up.... I was going to prove to myself and my family that no matter how tough things get you can and will survive. It's this Will to Survive mode no matter what. I learned that from the moment I was born really......
The only thing really going for me was..... My will to survive and to show my children and husband that no matter what Momma was going thru, I was going to make the most of it and show them that not giving up was the best plan for me! I would lay in bed and be so mad at the cars that would pass by, I wondered where are they going? That complete stranger had a life... I did not.. I laid in bed dreaming of walking without pain. I had to learn how to walk all over again and learn to vacumn, and learn to bend, and learn to have better posture, and learn to do so many things again in a different way then I was used to.
I remember this one day when I could not make it up the stairs and I laid on the couch in the living room. I took a pain pill, But then had a brief moment of did I really take a pain pill, it should be working by now. So I took another one. I was on the couch and could not move, could not speak or yell up the stairs to Steve that I was overdosing on pain medication. I just laid there praying he would wake up and find me on the couch and call 911. I was so out of it that I really could hear myself screaming for him to help me but nothing was comming out of my voice box! My whole body was on drug overload. That's when I felt my sister Sherry around me. She's the only thing that helped me. She said to me. Everything will be alright. My sister was my guardian angel. I heard her...... she was telling me I was going to be okay. I was drenched in sweat, unable to even realize this could not be really happening to me. But that's the only thing that got me through that day. Steve came down the stairs and found me... I was still alive but soooooooooooo shook up from seeing my sister and not knowing how many pain pills I took that he got me something to eat to absorb all the medication and he just held me.... He held me so tight and told me everything was going to be alright. I so wanted to believe him!
I finally got to go and see a new Doctor here in Michigan that said he could help me. The scar tissue was growing around my nerve root and compressing my nerves, and they had to get rid of the scar tissue to be able to help me with my right leg and the pains radiating down my butt cheek down my leg to my toes. I was having toes that had a mind of their own and were just going up and down on their own, and my leg was white and cold and really alot smaller than my other leg. The nerve damage was affecting me in a very bad way. I went to see Dr. Beer who had a brand new procedure called the RACZ procedure. I was one of the first people in Michigan to have it done. I was willing to try anything! So they put me into surgery and went thru my tailbone and injected this medication that was going to disolve the scar tissue, or eat it up...... I remember feeling the pressure in the Operating room, I don't think they had me quite all the way under. So when I was in recovery, I had a panic attack and told them that I could hear them and feel them. I freaked out... They put oxygen on my face and told me to breathe, I was in recovery and don't move. I had to lay there lifeless for a full day.... The next morning when Dr. Beer came into my room he lowered the sheets and told me to sit up. I sat up really slowly with his help and felt differently. It worked..... it was working because I did not have that stabbing pain shooting down into my right leg. He brought over the walker to my bed and told me to slowly swing my legs around and try and stand up on the ground. He held onto me as I reached for the walker. I stood up on the hospital floor and took three steps towards him. He told me to take three more baby steps. I did.... It was slowly working. He told me that I needed to have 2 more RACZ procedures in the next 6 weeks. So I went home and 2 weeks later was in the Operating room again having more injections thru my tailbone. The next time I had the RACZ done, I panicked when they were giving me the anesthesia and told them, please knock me out before you proceed to do anything, because I still remembered the pressure and the talking. They knocked me out good, because I don't remember a damn thing until I woke up shivering in the Recovery Room. The nurses kept putting these really warm blankets over me to warm me up. I'll never forget that warmth.... I stayed in the hospital for I think a day and Dr. Beer came in again and lowered the bed sheets and had me sit up. He felt my lower back and then brought the walker over to my bedside again and told me to slowly get out of bed and try to take some babysteps towards him. I did...... I did it...... and the pain was so much less.. I did so well with that RACZ procedure I did not need to have it done the 3rd time... I still had alot of scar tissue that was giving me troubles, but I could live with it. I somehow could live with the new pains better than the old pains. I instantly felt alive again!
I actually went back to work...... I needed to gain strength back in my legs and middle section and so I went to work at this little Coney island. I needed to walk, I needed to bend, I needed to reach, I needed to gain my strength back and it was working.
I met Johnny G... He came into the restaurant and he had his buddys with him and they cracked me up. They were my favorite customers! I only worked a couple hours a day but it was living. I could not lift anything more than five pounds. It was like having my life back and meeting people again. I never felt so alive in my life!
And then.......................... I crashed my white Van on our road........ Two houses down from where we live. On my own street! It was a January morning, freezing bitter cold, the snow had just fallen, and under the snow was nothing but ice. I started fishtailing and could not get out of the fishtail.. I smashed that van so bad, I broke the glass on my watch, I bruised my ribs again, and I was so shook up........ I'll never forget the man that pulled up to the van and helped me climb out the passenger side door. He asked me where I live and if he could call 911... I said, I live right there in that white house.... he brought me here and I could barely yell up the stairs to Steve. It was 6:00 a.m. He was sound asleep. I was on my way home from the airport taking some friends to their flight to Cancun. Steve ran down the stairs when he heard me trying to yell for him and that's when I told him....... I just totaled our van two houses down..... things just went crazy for me in my head........ but something was really different... I did not have that pinching feeling in my back, I did not have that awful sharp feeling down my leg. I felt sore, but not as sore as I did the day before. Something was different!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
Everything I did not want!
I did not want one more person touching me! I just wanted to magically wake up one morning and I would have my life back. I had plans, I had dreams, I had so much I wanted to do! Each day I felt more and more down in the dumps. I never gave up.... I was going to prove to myself and my family that no matter how tough things get you can and will survive. It's this Will to Survive mode no matter what. I learned that from the moment I was born really......
The only thing really going for me was..... My will to survive and to show my children and husband that no matter what Momma was going thru, I was going to make the most of it and show them that not giving up was the best plan for me! I would lay in bed and be so mad at the cars that would pass by, I wondered where are they going? That complete stranger had a life... I did not.. I laid in bed dreaming of walking without pain. I had to learn how to walk all over again and learn to vacumn, and learn to bend, and learn to have better posture, and learn to do so many things again in a different way then I was used to.
I remember this one day when I could not make it up the stairs and I laid on the couch in the living room. I took a pain pill, But then had a brief moment of did I really take a pain pill, it should be working by now. So I took another one. I was on the couch and could not move, could not speak or yell up the stairs to Steve that I was overdosing on pain medication. I just laid there praying he would wake up and find me on the couch and call 911. I was so out of it that I really could hear myself screaming for him to help me but nothing was comming out of my voice box! My whole body was on drug overload. That's when I felt my sister Sherry around me. She's the only thing that helped me. She said to me. Everything will be alright. My sister was my guardian angel. I heard her...... she was telling me I was going to be okay. I was drenched in sweat, unable to even realize this could not be really happening to me. But that's the only thing that got me through that day. Steve came down the stairs and found me... I was still alive but soooooooooooo shook up from seeing my sister and not knowing how many pain pills I took that he got me something to eat to absorb all the medication and he just held me.... He held me so tight and told me everything was going to be alright. I so wanted to believe him!
I finally got to go and see a new Doctor here in Michigan that said he could help me. The scar tissue was growing around my nerve root and compressing my nerves, and they had to get rid of the scar tissue to be able to help me with my right leg and the pains radiating down my butt cheek down my leg to my toes. I was having toes that had a mind of their own and were just going up and down on their own, and my leg was white and cold and really alot smaller than my other leg. The nerve damage was affecting me in a very bad way. I went to see Dr. Beer who had a brand new procedure called the RACZ procedure. I was one of the first people in Michigan to have it done. I was willing to try anything! So they put me into surgery and went thru my tailbone and injected this medication that was going to disolve the scar tissue, or eat it up...... I remember feeling the pressure in the Operating room, I don't think they had me quite all the way under. So when I was in recovery, I had a panic attack and told them that I could hear them and feel them. I freaked out... They put oxygen on my face and told me to breathe, I was in recovery and don't move. I had to lay there lifeless for a full day.... The next morning when Dr. Beer came into my room he lowered the sheets and told me to sit up. I sat up really slowly with his help and felt differently. It worked..... it was working because I did not have that stabbing pain shooting down into my right leg. He brought over the walker to my bed and told me to slowly swing my legs around and try and stand up on the ground. He held onto me as I reached for the walker. I stood up on the hospital floor and took three steps towards him. He told me to take three more baby steps. I did.... It was slowly working. He told me that I needed to have 2 more RACZ procedures in the next 6 weeks. So I went home and 2 weeks later was in the Operating room again having more injections thru my tailbone. The next time I had the RACZ done, I panicked when they were giving me the anesthesia and told them, please knock me out before you proceed to do anything, because I still remembered the pressure and the talking. They knocked me out good, because I don't remember a damn thing until I woke up shivering in the Recovery Room. The nurses kept putting these really warm blankets over me to warm me up. I'll never forget that warmth.... I stayed in the hospital for I think a day and Dr. Beer came in again and lowered the bed sheets and had me sit up. He felt my lower back and then brought the walker over to my bedside again and told me to slowly get out of bed and try to take some babysteps towards him. I did...... I did it...... and the pain was so much less.. I did so well with that RACZ procedure I did not need to have it done the 3rd time... I still had alot of scar tissue that was giving me troubles, but I could live with it. I somehow could live with the new pains better than the old pains. I instantly felt alive again!
I actually went back to work...... I needed to gain strength back in my legs and middle section and so I went to work at this little Coney island. I needed to walk, I needed to bend, I needed to reach, I needed to gain my strength back and it was working.
I met Johnny G... He came into the restaurant and he had his buddys with him and they cracked me up. They were my favorite customers! I only worked a couple hours a day but it was living. I could not lift anything more than five pounds. It was like having my life back and meeting people again. I never felt so alive in my life!
And then.......................... I crashed my white Van on our road........ Two houses down from where we live. On my own street! It was a January morning, freezing bitter cold, the snow had just fallen, and under the snow was nothing but ice. I started fishtailing and could not get out of the fishtail.. I smashed that van so bad, I broke the glass on my watch, I bruised my ribs again, and I was so shook up........ I'll never forget the man that pulled up to the van and helped me climb out the passenger side door. He asked me where I live and if he could call 911... I said, I live right there in that white house.... he brought me here and I could barely yell up the stairs to Steve. It was 6:00 a.m. He was sound asleep. I was on my way home from the airport taking some friends to their flight to Cancun. Steve ran down the stairs when he heard me trying to yell for him and that's when I told him....... I just totaled our van two houses down..... things just went crazy for me in my head........ but something was really different... I did not have that pinching feeling in my back, I did not have that awful sharp feeling down my leg. I felt sore, but not as sore as I did the day before. Something was different!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
Sunday, August 30, 2009
22). Almost a year to the day......
It was one year after my sister died in January, on a snowy day just like it was the day she died... I had just left work to go pick up my son Joshua from Grandma Alice's house just around the corner. I was driving my Dad's old station wagon. I slowly got into the right lane to turn right into her driveway when a Red Truck slammed the back of the car and put me in the ditch and up on the lawn of the neighbor of Grandma Alice's. She was not my kids grandmother, but she was this little old lady that loved my kids and she loved reading Joshua books and a couple times a week she would come over with little presents for the kids and when we would go and visit her she would give my kids Dandilions to eat from her backyard. They ate it.... They were little and saw her eat them so they did too...
Well, I took the crunch............. the full back breaking crunch, the next morning I could not get out of bed and walk across the bedroom.
I could not put my right foot on the ground without having so much pain.... I barely made it down the stairs when I called a Doctor down the street and said somethings wrong.... The Doctor said, come in right now... I got in my car barely and got to the doctor's office barely and basically almost crawled into the office. I was in so much pain I could not breathe...... He got me back into his office and took one look at me and the way I was not walking and he said, " I'm sending you to St. Joe's for an MRI right this minute. Call someone to come and get you and take you right now". I called my husband and he left work and came and got me...
We went to St. Joe's, I had the MRI and that's when they said, " You have bruised ribs, and a herniated disc in your lower lumbar spine. At L4-L5, You are going to need surgery to clean up all the jell that has oozed out of your disc onto your nerve root. I could not believe it..... They referred me to a Neurosurgeon and about 2 weeks later I was having back surgery.... I'll never in a million years ever forget that day...
There was this guy in the waiting room having the same back surgery that I was going to have in the same exact spot. We wished each other good luck and hoped we would recover soon. Well, I remember when the Doctor came in and explained what he was going to do and that I should feel much better after surgery. He lied....... He totally lied to me! When I woke up from surgery and in my own hospital room, I woke up crying, the pain, oh the pain...... I looked out into the hallway and saw that same guy that was having his surgery like my surgery, and he was up and around holding onto the bars in the hall. He waved to me and I could not even move, I could not figure out how he was up and around.... Why was I flat on my back in intense overwhelming pains, That's when it hit me... Something was different- the Nurses were bringing in this big green contraption to hang up over my bed that I could pull myself up with. I could not even reach it let alone pull myself up on it. The Nurse heard my cries after they put that contraption in my room and left my room and shut my door. I was all alone in tears, in pain, in very intense unbelievable pains. I stayed in the hospital for days.
My girlfriend Christine said, I called her when I was all drugged up telling her that they were trying to kill me... I barely remember that phone call, but I do remember that feeling! The medications they gave me. I was allergic to. Morphine. I don't even know what they gave me after that.
I got home from the hospital and the next 4 weeks, I got worse!!!
I could not walk, I could not sit on the toilet, I could not get dressed, I could not cook, I could not clean, I could not stand up in the shower...... It was like I was just a blob of pain............ and tears........ and my life just stopped!
Then I started losing my bladder. I had no idea what was happening.
All, I could do was feel the warmth of my pee running down my legs every morning when I tried to walk to the bathroom... I left a pee-pee trail on the wooden floor. I was falling apart each and everyday.
My children had to come upstairs to see me...... So after the six weeks of recovery and things were worse, I went back to the Doctor's. They did an MRI and came into my room with the results...............................
That's when I heard those words........ We operated at the right level, wrong disc... You have an extra vertabre in your back and if we count from the bottom of the vertabrae we reach this level... and if we count from the top of your vertabre down, we reach a different level on your spine..... You are going to need another back surgery a.s.a.p. I almost fell off the chair. I thought how the heck could they do this to me, no wonder I was in so much pain, no wonder they put that contraption over my bed, no wonder that other guy was up and around in the hallway and I was not...... No wonder........ I immediately said, I will not have that Doctor touch me one more time, He had the MRI results, it said right on there that I had an extra vertabre in my back.. What was that Doctor thinking? .... I had 3 little kids at home and the past 3 months I could not do one thing for any of them. Joshua was only 3 and wanted me to pick him up. I just could not even possibly do it..... I think he got so mad at me and could not understand, that's when things got touchy with us. He was so mad at his Momma!
So, somehow I found a new Neurosurgeon and went to see him that week. He was the best Neurosurgeon that I could find and he had credentials to prove it, He had operated on Race Car Drivers. I felt like I was in good hands. He came into the room and showed me my MRI and my X-Rays.... He said, I can't promise you anything but I will try and relieve some of your pain.... The very next week I was in the new hospital having another back surgery...... Life just stood still for me and my family..... Stood completely still.
It was a drunk driver that hit me....... His driving record was a mess.......... He should have never been on the road. It happend within 5 miles of my house. They say most accidents happen within five miles of your house. I did not want to hear that!
Five years later.....
Things changed.... It took me five years..... Five very long painful years! I could not walk, I could not drive, I could not clean, I could not do a damn thing.......... I cried everyday! I could not take one more bad thing! All I wanted was my life back.
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
Well, I took the crunch............. the full back breaking crunch, the next morning I could not get out of bed and walk across the bedroom.
I could not put my right foot on the ground without having so much pain.... I barely made it down the stairs when I called a Doctor down the street and said somethings wrong.... The Doctor said, come in right now... I got in my car barely and got to the doctor's office barely and basically almost crawled into the office. I was in so much pain I could not breathe...... He got me back into his office and took one look at me and the way I was not walking and he said, " I'm sending you to St. Joe's for an MRI right this minute. Call someone to come and get you and take you right now". I called my husband and he left work and came and got me...
We went to St. Joe's, I had the MRI and that's when they said, " You have bruised ribs, and a herniated disc in your lower lumbar spine. At L4-L5, You are going to need surgery to clean up all the jell that has oozed out of your disc onto your nerve root. I could not believe it..... They referred me to a Neurosurgeon and about 2 weeks later I was having back surgery.... I'll never in a million years ever forget that day...
There was this guy in the waiting room having the same back surgery that I was going to have in the same exact spot. We wished each other good luck and hoped we would recover soon. Well, I remember when the Doctor came in and explained what he was going to do and that I should feel much better after surgery. He lied....... He totally lied to me! When I woke up from surgery and in my own hospital room, I woke up crying, the pain, oh the pain...... I looked out into the hallway and saw that same guy that was having his surgery like my surgery, and he was up and around holding onto the bars in the hall. He waved to me and I could not even move, I could not figure out how he was up and around.... Why was I flat on my back in intense overwhelming pains, That's when it hit me... Something was different- the Nurses were bringing in this big green contraption to hang up over my bed that I could pull myself up with. I could not even reach it let alone pull myself up on it. The Nurse heard my cries after they put that contraption in my room and left my room and shut my door. I was all alone in tears, in pain, in very intense unbelievable pains. I stayed in the hospital for days.
My girlfriend Christine said, I called her when I was all drugged up telling her that they were trying to kill me... I barely remember that phone call, but I do remember that feeling! The medications they gave me. I was allergic to. Morphine. I don't even know what they gave me after that.
I got home from the hospital and the next 4 weeks, I got worse!!!
I could not walk, I could not sit on the toilet, I could not get dressed, I could not cook, I could not clean, I could not stand up in the shower...... It was like I was just a blob of pain............ and tears........ and my life just stopped!
Then I started losing my bladder. I had no idea what was happening.
All, I could do was feel the warmth of my pee running down my legs every morning when I tried to walk to the bathroom... I left a pee-pee trail on the wooden floor. I was falling apart each and everyday.
My children had to come upstairs to see me...... So after the six weeks of recovery and things were worse, I went back to the Doctor's. They did an MRI and came into my room with the results...............................
That's when I heard those words........ We operated at the right level, wrong disc... You have an extra vertabre in your back and if we count from the bottom of the vertabrae we reach this level... and if we count from the top of your vertabre down, we reach a different level on your spine..... You are going to need another back surgery a.s.a.p. I almost fell off the chair. I thought how the heck could they do this to me, no wonder I was in so much pain, no wonder they put that contraption over my bed, no wonder that other guy was up and around in the hallway and I was not...... No wonder........ I immediately said, I will not have that Doctor touch me one more time, He had the MRI results, it said right on there that I had an extra vertabre in my back.. What was that Doctor thinking? .... I had 3 little kids at home and the past 3 months I could not do one thing for any of them. Joshua was only 3 and wanted me to pick him up. I just could not even possibly do it..... I think he got so mad at me and could not understand, that's when things got touchy with us. He was so mad at his Momma!
So, somehow I found a new Neurosurgeon and went to see him that week. He was the best Neurosurgeon that I could find and he had credentials to prove it, He had operated on Race Car Drivers. I felt like I was in good hands. He came into the room and showed me my MRI and my X-Rays.... He said, I can't promise you anything but I will try and relieve some of your pain.... The very next week I was in the new hospital having another back surgery...... Life just stood still for me and my family..... Stood completely still.
It was a drunk driver that hit me....... His driving record was a mess.......... He should have never been on the road. It happend within 5 miles of my house. They say most accidents happen within five miles of your house. I did not want to hear that!
Five years later.....
Things changed.... It took me five years..... Five very long painful years! I could not walk, I could not drive, I could not clean, I could not do a damn thing.......... I cried everyday! I could not take one more bad thing! All I wanted was my life back.
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
21). The Phone calls.......
The first phone call was from Michelle.... She wanted to come over and use my phone. She had to go to court for something and did not want her husband to know so she came and used my phone. She was all worried so I let her hold the Rosary my sister had just given me the day before.
Michelle left and I climbed up on my Bed and hung the Rosary on a little nail that was there from a previous picture that I had moved to some other spot. Well, as soon as I hung the Rosary on the little nail and had one leg off the bed on the ground the telephone rang. It was my Mom.... In a really strange voice she said, " Kathy, get here right now"... I said, Okay Mom.... I did not even ask one question..... Then I picked up the phone to call my Mother in Law next door to see if I could use my brother in law's Truck again because it was still snowing and I knew my car would not start with any sort of wetness in the air. So when I dialed my Mother in laws number next door, and the phone rang..... I heard my Mom say hello... I freaked out and said, I'm sorry Mom, I meant to call My mother in law next door to see if I could use Tim's truck. She then said, " Get here Kathy, Sherry died lastnight".......... I never in my life screamed so hard..... I was doing circles in my bedroom trying to get dressed, and when I did find those purple LLBean cozy sweats I put my right foot into the leg and there was so much force and fear and adrenalin I put my foot right thru the fabric. I threw them across the room and looked for something else to throw on in a huge hurry, I picked up the phone and then dialed the correct number for my Mother in Law and when she answerd I was sobbing so hard she could not understand me, I just kept saying, I need to use Tim's truck.. My Mom called and said, my sister died. She said......... NO.......... I almost died at that moment too. I could not believe it... But she was saving my life, she did not want me to drive in my hysterical condition....... I called several people to get me to my Mom's and no one answered.... I then called my girlfriend Judy and she said she could not take me but her husband Daryl could if I paid him...... I said, what ever it takes I need to get there.... I could not believe I had to pay someone to take me to my Mother's.... I remember when his little red truck pulled up in my driveway to come and get me, I could barely speak and I just got into the car and stared out the passenger window the whole way to my Mom's.... I only gave him the directions to get to my Parents..... I could not utter a word, I was so mad at the world and I took it out on him big time.. I just remember me staring out of the passenger window. Wishing it was not him driving me, how in the world did I have to pay someone to do this for me.... It was like a life and death situation.. I did pay him some money to take me, I don't know how much but I remember the money exchange... I remember my eyes were already swollen shut from the massive tears of my mothers very surprising, very sad news.... I could not even understand how she could be dead..... I just saw her the day before and she gave me a Rosary....... It's all such a blurr.................... I mean a blurr....... I don't remember the funeral, I don't remember the people there, I don't remember anything except that scary guy Mike that tried to get me alone and tell me what happened.... He tried to tell me what was happening in some little room in the funeral home and when I told him I could not talk to him one more minute, I walked out into the funeral home to meet my parents to go to lunch break or what ever it was, and...... everyone was gone...... Just me and that scary guy Mike and my Sister..................... I did not feel very safe in the funeral home. How could that scary person be there, what did he do..... why did he want to talk to me, I could not even understand what he was saying I was in such Grief....................... Total Unbelievable True knock me out Grief........
Seeing my Parents so devastated, seeing her daughter so devastated, seeing her ex- husband so devastated, seeing my brothers so devastated oh My Goodness....... The pain could be felt around the world I'm sure! She was only 33.... Cardiac Arrest..... They tried to save her but when they gave her lidocaine to start her heart again, it beat so fast it was just too much..... I say she died of a broken heart.... a huge broken heart!
So I lost my Grandmother in 1993, six weeks later my Grandfather in 1993, and 9 months after that my sister....... and then 4 months after that my best friend Genette......... Everyone I loved so dearly....... Gone..............
I was the last one to talk to my Grandma..... She said she loved me those were her last words
I was the last one to see my Grandpa, he said I was trying to kill him.....for spending so much on groceries..
I was the last one to hug my sister and tell her I loved her and my last words to her were see ya later Girlfriend.... She was my sister, and my girlfriend.....
I was the last one to speak with Genette when I told her to let go and go to heaven and be best friends with my sister as she was laying in her Hospice bed so thin...... So thin.... I can't even explain it...... Life for me stood still................. I mean, I was just so sad to see my parents hurting so much, My Dad actually drove around looking for Mike with a gun in his car. I know if he were to ever find Mike, he was going to kill him. I had to hold that in....... I had to tell no one....... Grief....... it's a terrible thing. No child wants to see their parents pain like that.... I'll never forget........ And then something wild happened............. Something very, very wild...................
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
Michelle left and I climbed up on my Bed and hung the Rosary on a little nail that was there from a previous picture that I had moved to some other spot. Well, as soon as I hung the Rosary on the little nail and had one leg off the bed on the ground the telephone rang. It was my Mom.... In a really strange voice she said, " Kathy, get here right now"... I said, Okay Mom.... I did not even ask one question..... Then I picked up the phone to call my Mother in Law next door to see if I could use my brother in law's Truck again because it was still snowing and I knew my car would not start with any sort of wetness in the air. So when I dialed my Mother in laws number next door, and the phone rang..... I heard my Mom say hello... I freaked out and said, I'm sorry Mom, I meant to call My mother in law next door to see if I could use Tim's truck. She then said, " Get here Kathy, Sherry died lastnight".......... I never in my life screamed so hard..... I was doing circles in my bedroom trying to get dressed, and when I did find those purple LLBean cozy sweats I put my right foot into the leg and there was so much force and fear and adrenalin I put my foot right thru the fabric. I threw them across the room and looked for something else to throw on in a huge hurry, I picked up the phone and then dialed the correct number for my Mother in Law and when she answerd I was sobbing so hard she could not understand me, I just kept saying, I need to use Tim's truck.. My Mom called and said, my sister died. She said......... NO.......... I almost died at that moment too. I could not believe it... But she was saving my life, she did not want me to drive in my hysterical condition....... I called several people to get me to my Mom's and no one answered.... I then called my girlfriend Judy and she said she could not take me but her husband Daryl could if I paid him...... I said, what ever it takes I need to get there.... I could not believe I had to pay someone to take me to my Mother's.... I remember when his little red truck pulled up in my driveway to come and get me, I could barely speak and I just got into the car and stared out the passenger window the whole way to my Mom's.... I only gave him the directions to get to my Parents..... I could not utter a word, I was so mad at the world and I took it out on him big time.. I just remember me staring out of the passenger window. Wishing it was not him driving me, how in the world did I have to pay someone to do this for me.... It was like a life and death situation.. I did pay him some money to take me, I don't know how much but I remember the money exchange... I remember my eyes were already swollen shut from the massive tears of my mothers very surprising, very sad news.... I could not even understand how she could be dead..... I just saw her the day before and she gave me a Rosary....... It's all such a blurr.................... I mean a blurr....... I don't remember the funeral, I don't remember the people there, I don't remember anything except that scary guy Mike that tried to get me alone and tell me what happened.... He tried to tell me what was happening in some little room in the funeral home and when I told him I could not talk to him one more minute, I walked out into the funeral home to meet my parents to go to lunch break or what ever it was, and...... everyone was gone...... Just me and that scary guy Mike and my Sister..................... I did not feel very safe in the funeral home. How could that scary person be there, what did he do..... why did he want to talk to me, I could not even understand what he was saying I was in such Grief....................... Total Unbelievable True knock me out Grief........
Seeing my Parents so devastated, seeing her daughter so devastated, seeing her ex- husband so devastated, seeing my brothers so devastated oh My Goodness....... The pain could be felt around the world I'm sure! She was only 33.... Cardiac Arrest..... They tried to save her but when they gave her lidocaine to start her heart again, it beat so fast it was just too much..... I say she died of a broken heart.... a huge broken heart!
So I lost my Grandmother in 1993, six weeks later my Grandfather in 1993, and 9 months after that my sister....... and then 4 months after that my best friend Genette......... Everyone I loved so dearly....... Gone..............
I was the last one to talk to my Grandma..... She said she loved me those were her last words
I was the last one to see my Grandpa, he said I was trying to kill him.....for spending so much on groceries..
I was the last one to hug my sister and tell her I loved her and my last words to her were see ya later Girlfriend.... She was my sister, and my girlfriend.....
I was the last one to speak with Genette when I told her to let go and go to heaven and be best friends with my sister as she was laying in her Hospice bed so thin...... So thin.... I can't even explain it...... Life for me stood still................. I mean, I was just so sad to see my parents hurting so much, My Dad actually drove around looking for Mike with a gun in his car. I know if he were to ever find Mike, he was going to kill him. I had to hold that in....... I had to tell no one....... Grief....... it's a terrible thing. No child wants to see their parents pain like that.... I'll never forget........ And then something wild happened............. Something very, very wild...................
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
20). I woke up and had to see her! Within 24 hours the Phone Rang.......
It's was January 10th, 1993. I woke up in the morning to look out the window to see all the snow outside.... It was beautiful. Oh, That day was not so beautiful by the time it ended!
It started like this...... I woke up with another one of those I have to moments....... I could not get the thought out of my head that I needed to go and see my Sister. I had not seen her at Halloween like we always did and go back to the Old neighborhood in Livonia and take our kids trick or treating like we always did every Halloween. We would meet at our Parents in Livonia and have Halloween and also Celebrate My Parents Wedding Anniversary. My parents were married on Halloween, My Dad would always say...... Did he get a Trick or a Treat marrying my Mom.... I loved when I would meet my sister over at my Parents on every Halloween and see all the old neighbors in the old stomping grounds....
Then I realized that I did not see my sister on Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas that year and I was not going to wait one more day to see her.......... I was going to be out in her neck of the woods anyways... I was taking my pregnant best friend Christine to go and plan her baby shower. We were going over to Shari and Tim's house just outside of Redford and the snow was so bad outside, it was slow going forsure. So on the way home from planning the baby shower I told Christine that we had to stop at my sister's on Inkster Rd on the way home, she said, No.... I think you should take me home, I don't want to get out and fall on the ice and snow... She already had done that and lost some of the baby fluids around her baby so she was on high alert to no slipping and falling...... I said, to Christine.... Well, You can stay in the truck then because I need to stop and see my sister, I woke up feeling it this morning and I've been thinking about her all day. I told Christine that I did not see her on Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas and since I was already out that way I was going...................... I was driving so I got my way....
I pulled up into the snowy driveway with my Brother in Law Tim's Red Truck. My car did not want to start that morning because of the wetness in the air. It had a Twilight Zone thing going on with that car when it got wet outside...... So my brother in law was sweet enough to let me use his truck for the day. When I pulled up in the driveway to see my Sister she was peeking thru the front window curtains trying to figure out who's darn truck was in her driveway on that snowy, snowy day........
When I got out of the truck and she saw me.......... The curtain swung closed and the front door swung open.............. Oooohhhhhhhh to see the look of surprise was so sweet.... She told me to come inside, I told her that I could not stay long because Christine was in the Truck and could not come out into the snow and ice. She understood.... So....... We walked into the kitchen and I hugged her..... Her hair was wet and she smelled like shampoo... She did not have a sticth of makeup on. She was naturally beautiful. She actually was in the Michigan Beauty Pagent back in the 1970's. Absolutely georgeous! I looked at her in the face and saw that she had like an indent in the side of her temple. Just a little one. I asked her what happened to her.. She said, "she slipped and fell into the rolling tool cart while mopping the kitchen floor."
I did glance at the tool cart to try and figure out if that could possibly even happen..... I knew her boyfriend Mike was................. a very scary person....................... Very scary........ He came to our house once and one time only. I saw the gun in his pants and said, ummmmmmm We don't live like that and you need to get off of our property. He knew damn well, I did not like one little morsel of him. I tried to figure out what my sister saw in him......... It felt like a nightmare and honestly still does and I write this....... I'm just glad he never shot my sister, but what he did do................ It's just awful..... He was in the lower level living room when I came to the house on Inkster Road that snowy morning. It was all dark and gloomy looking and the only think I briefly saw was the Televion screen and then the darkness of the room.....
My sister Sherry had a beer on the counter in a Beer mug that she had just poured and asked if I wanted one, I said, No, but I'll take a sip of yours..... I drank first...... I did not want to drink after her because of Mike.... I'm strange like that..... so I took the first sip without telling her that I was taking that first sip for that reason....... Shame on me! So I drank a little bit of her beer and then hugged her.... She hugged me so tight...... Then she whispered in my ear. " NEVER LET ME GO"...... I told her she was making me hot. I still had my coat on and I was melting. I then thought I should open her refrigerator to see if she had food and she was eating and taking care of herself. I opened up the refrigerator and saw some left over meat, I said, " What is that....... She said, " Left over Turkey". I said, what is that, " she told me what it was..... Then I opened up the freezer and saw the Frozen Bagels and said, " Awwwww, You got Bagels, You're okay". That's when she said, " I dont' even like bagels". She was so lying to me that moment and I knew it... We ate bagels everyday after school when we were younger with butter and cream cheese.... Who was she trying to kid...... Sure not me!!!! So I went to use her bathroom before leaving and there was this little tin on the back of the toilet that had purple violets on it. I thought....... ooooohhhhhhh if she's doing drugs that's where they are hiding... I wanted proof..... I wanted something to prove to me she was doing drugs... I was in such denial..... When I opened up the metal tin with the purple violets, the only thing in the tin were a bunch of white fluffy Q-Tips..... I felt so stupid at the moment but..... my curiosity got the best of me and that served me right! So I came out of the bathroom relieved that there were no drugs.......... I told her I had the truck still running with Christine in it and that the weather was getting worse I needed to go... She said, " Okay, but wait a minute", I have something for you. I saw her go up the few steps to the bedroom. In a flash she was back with her hand closed. She reached for my hand and had me open it.... I can still feel her hand in mine right at this moment. When I opened my hand there was this little black pouch. She said, Open it. It was Grandma's and I want you to have it........
I'm going to cry now......... I'm seriously going to cry.........
When I opened up the little black pouch it was a really pretty Rosary...... Instantly I thought in my head. Wow. Now I have something I can hold when I'm at home and worried about her and not able to reach her because she did not have a telephone... I surprised her that day and I was so glad I did...
My sister walked me to the door and hugged me again and when I left the house I waved and said, Bye Girlfriend.......... I got into the car and thought.... Why in the world did I just call my sister Girlfriend..... I found it quite odd, but thought oh well, she knows me........ I'm her little sister. I waved and drove off to drop off Christine at her house safe and sound and her little unborn baby.... All the way home I felt this........... warmth.. this comforted feeling. Like dang, I have something to help me not worry about her. How sweet was that. It was just this comforting feeling that I can't explain........
Then I got home and Steve told me my sister called..... I said what she did not have a phone, he said She called this morning after going to Sears and bought a telephone. So she was thinking about me the same way I was thinking about her that day...... I loved it so much and thought that was just unreal how I woke up thinking about her so strongly and she called me when I was gone and she had no idea I was going to show up at her house. I love that we had that connection. Nothing like sisterly Love!
Then......................................... The other PHONE CALL........ OR SHOULD I SAY PHONE CALLS!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
It started like this...... I woke up with another one of those I have to moments....... I could not get the thought out of my head that I needed to go and see my Sister. I had not seen her at Halloween like we always did and go back to the Old neighborhood in Livonia and take our kids trick or treating like we always did every Halloween. We would meet at our Parents in Livonia and have Halloween and also Celebrate My Parents Wedding Anniversary. My parents were married on Halloween, My Dad would always say...... Did he get a Trick or a Treat marrying my Mom.... I loved when I would meet my sister over at my Parents on every Halloween and see all the old neighbors in the old stomping grounds....
Then I realized that I did not see my sister on Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas that year and I was not going to wait one more day to see her.......... I was going to be out in her neck of the woods anyways... I was taking my pregnant best friend Christine to go and plan her baby shower. We were going over to Shari and Tim's house just outside of Redford and the snow was so bad outside, it was slow going forsure. So on the way home from planning the baby shower I told Christine that we had to stop at my sister's on Inkster Rd on the way home, she said, No.... I think you should take me home, I don't want to get out and fall on the ice and snow... She already had done that and lost some of the baby fluids around her baby so she was on high alert to no slipping and falling...... I said, to Christine.... Well, You can stay in the truck then because I need to stop and see my sister, I woke up feeling it this morning and I've been thinking about her all day. I told Christine that I did not see her on Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas and since I was already out that way I was going...................... I was driving so I got my way....
I pulled up into the snowy driveway with my Brother in Law Tim's Red Truck. My car did not want to start that morning because of the wetness in the air. It had a Twilight Zone thing going on with that car when it got wet outside...... So my brother in law was sweet enough to let me use his truck for the day. When I pulled up in the driveway to see my Sister she was peeking thru the front window curtains trying to figure out who's darn truck was in her driveway on that snowy, snowy day........
When I got out of the truck and she saw me.......... The curtain swung closed and the front door swung open.............. Oooohhhhhhhh to see the look of surprise was so sweet.... She told me to come inside, I told her that I could not stay long because Christine was in the Truck and could not come out into the snow and ice. She understood.... So....... We walked into the kitchen and I hugged her..... Her hair was wet and she smelled like shampoo... She did not have a sticth of makeup on. She was naturally beautiful. She actually was in the Michigan Beauty Pagent back in the 1970's. Absolutely georgeous! I looked at her in the face and saw that she had like an indent in the side of her temple. Just a little one. I asked her what happened to her.. She said, "she slipped and fell into the rolling tool cart while mopping the kitchen floor."
I did glance at the tool cart to try and figure out if that could possibly even happen..... I knew her boyfriend Mike was................. a very scary person....................... Very scary........ He came to our house once and one time only. I saw the gun in his pants and said, ummmmmmm We don't live like that and you need to get off of our property. He knew damn well, I did not like one little morsel of him. I tried to figure out what my sister saw in him......... It felt like a nightmare and honestly still does and I write this....... I'm just glad he never shot my sister, but what he did do................ It's just awful..... He was in the lower level living room when I came to the house on Inkster Road that snowy morning. It was all dark and gloomy looking and the only think I briefly saw was the Televion screen and then the darkness of the room.....
My sister Sherry had a beer on the counter in a Beer mug that she had just poured and asked if I wanted one, I said, No, but I'll take a sip of yours..... I drank first...... I did not want to drink after her because of Mike.... I'm strange like that..... so I took the first sip without telling her that I was taking that first sip for that reason....... Shame on me! So I drank a little bit of her beer and then hugged her.... She hugged me so tight...... Then she whispered in my ear. " NEVER LET ME GO"...... I told her she was making me hot. I still had my coat on and I was melting. I then thought I should open her refrigerator to see if she had food and she was eating and taking care of herself. I opened up the refrigerator and saw some left over meat, I said, " What is that....... She said, " Left over Turkey". I said, what is that, " she told me what it was..... Then I opened up the freezer and saw the Frozen Bagels and said, " Awwwww, You got Bagels, You're okay". That's when she said, " I dont' even like bagels". She was so lying to me that moment and I knew it... We ate bagels everyday after school when we were younger with butter and cream cheese.... Who was she trying to kid...... Sure not me!!!! So I went to use her bathroom before leaving and there was this little tin on the back of the toilet that had purple violets on it. I thought....... ooooohhhhhhh if she's doing drugs that's where they are hiding... I wanted proof..... I wanted something to prove to me she was doing drugs... I was in such denial..... When I opened up the metal tin with the purple violets, the only thing in the tin were a bunch of white fluffy Q-Tips..... I felt so stupid at the moment but..... my curiosity got the best of me and that served me right! So I came out of the bathroom relieved that there were no drugs.......... I told her I had the truck still running with Christine in it and that the weather was getting worse I needed to go... She said, " Okay, but wait a minute", I have something for you. I saw her go up the few steps to the bedroom. In a flash she was back with her hand closed. She reached for my hand and had me open it.... I can still feel her hand in mine right at this moment. When I opened my hand there was this little black pouch. She said, Open it. It was Grandma's and I want you to have it........
I'm going to cry now......... I'm seriously going to cry.........
When I opened up the little black pouch it was a really pretty Rosary...... Instantly I thought in my head. Wow. Now I have something I can hold when I'm at home and worried about her and not able to reach her because she did not have a telephone... I surprised her that day and I was so glad I did...
My sister walked me to the door and hugged me again and when I left the house I waved and said, Bye Girlfriend.......... I got into the car and thought.... Why in the world did I just call my sister Girlfriend..... I found it quite odd, but thought oh well, she knows me........ I'm her little sister. I waved and drove off to drop off Christine at her house safe and sound and her little unborn baby.... All the way home I felt this........... warmth.. this comforted feeling. Like dang, I have something to help me not worry about her. How sweet was that. It was just this comforting feeling that I can't explain........
Then I got home and Steve told me my sister called..... I said what she did not have a phone, he said She called this morning after going to Sears and bought a telephone. So she was thinking about me the same way I was thinking about her that day...... I loved it so much and thought that was just unreal how I woke up thinking about her so strongly and she called me when I was gone and she had no idea I was going to show up at her house. I love that we had that connection. Nothing like sisterly Love!
Then......................................... The other PHONE CALL........ OR SHOULD I SAY PHONE CALLS!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
19). Another KNOCK KNOCK MOMENT THAT WAS AWFUL.....
This post must be told......
It was about a week ago, Last Saturday morning I was sound alseep in bed. I think my body was trying to wake up but this urge to answer the telephone came over me. I heard the phone ringing in my dream and answered it.
There was this soft, gentle voice of a woman on the other end. I heard her softly say, " I'm sorry, your Father died without any complications. That was it.... Nothing else... I did not hear anything except my pounding heart and my body going into shock. I sat straight up in bed and could not believe what had just happened.
I woke up Steve with my sudden bolt.... I said," Steve, Oh My God, I just had the strangest dream that this lady told me she was sorry, but my father died without any complications. He knew I was serious because I was probably white as a ghost and I had that eyes wide open look on my face. I truthfully was shaken to the core.
My father passed away from suicide in 1998. This was August of 2009....
It was opening Day of Hunting Season. Five a.m. in the morning I'm sound asleep with Steve in our upstairs bedroom. We both hear KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK on the front door. It's still dark outside, what in the world is going on. No one wants to hear that at 5:00 a.m. I hear Steve's familiar footsteps running down the stairs. He's lived in this house all his life and can do that. Not me.... I still need the light on.. LOL So, I hear Steve open the front door and and I hear the screen door open. I hear a Deep Voice that I have never heard before ask my husband if "Katherine Wilson", was home. My husband said, "Yes," at that moment what was going thru my head was..... I did nothing wrong, I don't have any bounced checks, I did nothing wrong what is going on.. That's when I heard the other Person say. "It's her Mother, She called us to get ahold of her daughter and have you take her to her Mother's as soon as possible". He said, "don't call her just go".
It was The Police from our town. So--- Steve ran up the stairs and said," Kathy, The Police said, we have to get to your Mom's house as soon as possible". So I jumped up and tried to put the quickest thing I could find on.... Steve threw on his clothes and we headed the 45 minute drive to Howell. I remember nothing about that drive there, I don't remember the roads, the turns, the red lights, the expressway, The only thing I remember is wondering if my Father had a heart attack. That's the only thing I could think of.... Then I heard this song by, Hootie and The Blowfish called, "LET HER CRY". I started crying the moment I heard it and was singing along because I think it distracted me from what my brain was really trying to figure out. The Police told Steve nothing... The next only memory I have is when we made that left hand turn onto the street where my parents lived in Howell. ..................................................................... I saw the ambulance and the lights.. I knew something was bad, who were they taking to the hosptial. Which one of my Parent's needed an ambulance???... Did someone fall..... ??? I could not get out of the car fast enough. I flew out of the car and got into the house and saw my Mom in the Rocking Chair in her jammies with this look on her face....... The police officer asked who I was and said, I was her daughter and that Steve was my husband. My little brother Pennie was sitting on the couch with an awful look on his face... I was noticing everybody's face but did not see my Dad. I went to walk down to the hallway and the Police Officer Said, :I needed to stay with my Mother." I looked at my Mom ,and in the quietest most no sur-real tone she said, Your Father died..
The next thing I knew............ I had my face buried in the couch cushion next to my brother sobbing sooooooooo loud, just sobbing........ I sobbed so hysterically my Mother asked me if I was laughing..... That's terrible to say, but Oh My God, I never cried and screamed and bawled at the same time in my life..... Well, I have but you'll have to hear about that later...
When I looked at my Mom with these tears rolling down my face.... She knew I was hysterical, NO WONDER Police Officer's say Nothing when they come to your house to tell you some news....... They don't want hysteria! Oh did I have it... All that worry from the trip to my parents the look on my Mom's face, the look on my brother's face and then the sudden realization of shock that how could my Father do something like that. HOW...... did he leave a note, what happened????????????
I crawled those few feet over to my Mom on my knees, I had no strength to even stand up and walk. I layed my head in her lap and felt her soft blue flannel nighty she always loved to wear. I was a grown woman with my Face on my Mom's lap looking at her trying to make sure she was alright, trying to figure out why she was not internally screaming on the insides like me.......... She put her hands on my face and said, Kath, Your Dad had a rough night. He was having those Phanthom pains in his right leg. He wanted me to give him a Vicodin and I did to settle him down, then she said, He wanted another one and I lied to him and told him I did not have one. I did not want to interfere with all the medications he was already on. She said, she went to bed and thought he was settled down....... Then around 1:00 in the morning My Mom woke up with a headache. She went to the kitchen to get some aspirin. On her way to the kitchen she heard my Dad's T.V. up really loud in his room, They slept in seperate rooms because my Dad had sleep apnea and snored like he could wake up the whole neighborhood. My Mom was a light sleeper..... So on the way back from the kitchen and getting her headache relief... She opened up my Dad's door and found him......... She called 911 and they were there in a flash.... The Police Officer came out and asked my Mom what Hand my Dad was..... She told them he was Left Handed.... She already knew he had shot himself but waited a little bit to tell me what happened. Then..................... they wheeled my Dad out on a stretcher and I saw him in the body bag. I could just see a little bit of his dark black hair. My Mom tells me I did not see that, but I swear I did. He was 6 foot 3 or 6 4.... I'm not sure at this moment... Then the cleaning crew came to tear up the carpet and all I could see was everything they were taking out of the room was covered up so we could not see it... People dressed all in white, with white gloves... I am so happy I never saw the actually place................................... you know..... that place......
My Dad was determined..... He had gone to Dialysis the day before. He knew he had to go to Dialysis everyother day for the rest of his life. He panicked while laying on the hospital chair for Dialysis and called my Mom and told her to come and pick him up. On the way home he wanted to stop at Daily's and have some of their vegetable soup and then he had a Vanilla Malt... His favorite...... He knew what he wanted that day...... Well, in the middle of the night after my Mom had put him to bed and thought she had him all settled down. My Dad got up out of bed, in his wheelchair, went over to the locked filing cabinet and pried it open with two screwdrivers. My Mom had the key...... He was a determined man....... A smart man.... He did the Morris Code for the Army back in the Korean War, and he always would tell us Kids that he knew what was happening before anyone knew it...... He decyphered the morris code and passed along the message. He was a civilian and wore civilian clothes and would tell my Mom that if he were to have been captured he was to kill himself in an instant. I'm glad that did not happen to him in the Korean War or I would not be here today!
My Dad used to have a Monkey and he called it Shit Head, My Dad was stepped on by a horse when he was younger and the scar on his leg was still really sensitive to the touch after all those years....... My Dad was only 59 when he passed away...... He killed himself 3 day's before his 60th Birthday.......
I can't tell you how badly I miss him............. He was the funniest man alive! He had the last laugh...... I'm sure he's cracking everybody up in Heaven too.... People say if you commit suicide you don't go to Heaven. I don't believe that for one moment. I will never judge him for what he did and to be totally honest. He made his own decision and who am I to argue with that....... Not me......
He was my Dad. I loved him NO MATTER WHAT!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
It was about a week ago, Last Saturday morning I was sound alseep in bed. I think my body was trying to wake up but this urge to answer the telephone came over me. I heard the phone ringing in my dream and answered it.
There was this soft, gentle voice of a woman on the other end. I heard her softly say, " I'm sorry, your Father died without any complications. That was it.... Nothing else... I did not hear anything except my pounding heart and my body going into shock. I sat straight up in bed and could not believe what had just happened.
I woke up Steve with my sudden bolt.... I said," Steve, Oh My God, I just had the strangest dream that this lady told me she was sorry, but my father died without any complications. He knew I was serious because I was probably white as a ghost and I had that eyes wide open look on my face. I truthfully was shaken to the core.
My father passed away from suicide in 1998. This was August of 2009....
It was opening Day of Hunting Season. Five a.m. in the morning I'm sound asleep with Steve in our upstairs bedroom. We both hear KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK on the front door. It's still dark outside, what in the world is going on. No one wants to hear that at 5:00 a.m. I hear Steve's familiar footsteps running down the stairs. He's lived in this house all his life and can do that. Not me.... I still need the light on.. LOL So, I hear Steve open the front door and and I hear the screen door open. I hear a Deep Voice that I have never heard before ask my husband if "Katherine Wilson", was home. My husband said, "Yes," at that moment what was going thru my head was..... I did nothing wrong, I don't have any bounced checks, I did nothing wrong what is going on.. That's when I heard the other Person say. "It's her Mother, She called us to get ahold of her daughter and have you take her to her Mother's as soon as possible". He said, "don't call her just go".
It was The Police from our town. So--- Steve ran up the stairs and said," Kathy, The Police said, we have to get to your Mom's house as soon as possible". So I jumped up and tried to put the quickest thing I could find on.... Steve threw on his clothes and we headed the 45 minute drive to Howell. I remember nothing about that drive there, I don't remember the roads, the turns, the red lights, the expressway, The only thing I remember is wondering if my Father had a heart attack. That's the only thing I could think of.... Then I heard this song by, Hootie and The Blowfish called, "LET HER CRY". I started crying the moment I heard it and was singing along because I think it distracted me from what my brain was really trying to figure out. The Police told Steve nothing... The next only memory I have is when we made that left hand turn onto the street where my parents lived in Howell. ..................................................................... I saw the ambulance and the lights.. I knew something was bad, who were they taking to the hosptial. Which one of my Parent's needed an ambulance???... Did someone fall..... ??? I could not get out of the car fast enough. I flew out of the car and got into the house and saw my Mom in the Rocking Chair in her jammies with this look on her face....... The police officer asked who I was and said, I was her daughter and that Steve was my husband. My little brother Pennie was sitting on the couch with an awful look on his face... I was noticing everybody's face but did not see my Dad. I went to walk down to the hallway and the Police Officer Said, :I needed to stay with my Mother." I looked at my Mom ,and in the quietest most no sur-real tone she said, Your Father died..
The next thing I knew............ I had my face buried in the couch cushion next to my brother sobbing sooooooooo loud, just sobbing........ I sobbed so hysterically my Mother asked me if I was laughing..... That's terrible to say, but Oh My God, I never cried and screamed and bawled at the same time in my life..... Well, I have but you'll have to hear about that later...
When I looked at my Mom with these tears rolling down my face.... She knew I was hysterical, NO WONDER Police Officer's say Nothing when they come to your house to tell you some news....... They don't want hysteria! Oh did I have it... All that worry from the trip to my parents the look on my Mom's face, the look on my brother's face and then the sudden realization of shock that how could my Father do something like that. HOW...... did he leave a note, what happened????????????
I crawled those few feet over to my Mom on my knees, I had no strength to even stand up and walk. I layed my head in her lap and felt her soft blue flannel nighty she always loved to wear. I was a grown woman with my Face on my Mom's lap looking at her trying to make sure she was alright, trying to figure out why she was not internally screaming on the insides like me.......... She put her hands on my face and said, Kath, Your Dad had a rough night. He was having those Phanthom pains in his right leg. He wanted me to give him a Vicodin and I did to settle him down, then she said, He wanted another one and I lied to him and told him I did not have one. I did not want to interfere with all the medications he was already on. She said, she went to bed and thought he was settled down....... Then around 1:00 in the morning My Mom woke up with a headache. She went to the kitchen to get some aspirin. On her way to the kitchen she heard my Dad's T.V. up really loud in his room, They slept in seperate rooms because my Dad had sleep apnea and snored like he could wake up the whole neighborhood. My Mom was a light sleeper..... So on the way back from the kitchen and getting her headache relief... She opened up my Dad's door and found him......... She called 911 and they were there in a flash.... The Police Officer came out and asked my Mom what Hand my Dad was..... She told them he was Left Handed.... She already knew he had shot himself but waited a little bit to tell me what happened. Then..................... they wheeled my Dad out on a stretcher and I saw him in the body bag. I could just see a little bit of his dark black hair. My Mom tells me I did not see that, but I swear I did. He was 6 foot 3 or 6 4.... I'm not sure at this moment... Then the cleaning crew came to tear up the carpet and all I could see was everything they were taking out of the room was covered up so we could not see it... People dressed all in white, with white gloves... I am so happy I never saw the actually place................................... you know..... that place......
My Dad was determined..... He had gone to Dialysis the day before. He knew he had to go to Dialysis everyother day for the rest of his life. He panicked while laying on the hospital chair for Dialysis and called my Mom and told her to come and pick him up. On the way home he wanted to stop at Daily's and have some of their vegetable soup and then he had a Vanilla Malt... His favorite...... He knew what he wanted that day...... Well, in the middle of the night after my Mom had put him to bed and thought she had him all settled down. My Dad got up out of bed, in his wheelchair, went over to the locked filing cabinet and pried it open with two screwdrivers. My Mom had the key...... He was a determined man....... A smart man.... He did the Morris Code for the Army back in the Korean War, and he always would tell us Kids that he knew what was happening before anyone knew it...... He decyphered the morris code and passed along the message. He was a civilian and wore civilian clothes and would tell my Mom that if he were to have been captured he was to kill himself in an instant. I'm glad that did not happen to him in the Korean War or I would not be here today!
My Dad used to have a Monkey and he called it Shit Head, My Dad was stepped on by a horse when he was younger and the scar on his leg was still really sensitive to the touch after all those years....... My Dad was only 59 when he passed away...... He killed himself 3 day's before his 60th Birthday.......
I can't tell you how badly I miss him............. He was the funniest man alive! He had the last laugh...... I'm sure he's cracking everybody up in Heaven too.... People say if you commit suicide you don't go to Heaven. I don't believe that for one moment. I will never judge him for what he did and to be totally honest. He made his own decision and who am I to argue with that....... Not me......
He was my Dad. I loved him NO MATTER WHAT!
© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson
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