29). .If I tell him...... what will he say to me?

This totally changed my life...........
and hers,
and her familys and
her childrens..... and her husband!

Not only did the lightning freak me out so bad but something else was on my mind. When I would be in Church.
Something huge, so huge I could not carry it anymore.
I had to talk to someone, I had to say what I knew and I had to ask for help in dealing with this information I had.....

Now..... what I'm about to say was pretty heavy on my heart for a very long time. I had no idea what to do about it,
where to go with it,
or what.
I just knew that I could no longer carry the heavy burden one minute longer.

I told you about going to Church and Thanking GOD for sparing us any injuries during the bad storm at the campground... That was a really big scare in my life. But there was something else that only I knew...... and it scared me so bad! Still does....


How do I start this one..... ??

Okay here goes.......

I went to the bar one night with a friend of mine..... We were dancing and having fun and just enjoying life. Not knowing how much of her life was going to be left. I loved this person so much that I was not afraid to be with them I was not afraid to hang out with them unlike what all the news papers were saying.....

Magic Johnson had just came out and said he had it on national T.V.



A year or so prior to this night....................... of dancing-

We were driving to go see Kelly and Company on T.V. We were going to be in the Audience and she was driving because she was the one that knew how to get to the show.
She lowered the visor in the car and looked at me and said, "I'm positive."

I looked back at her and said what do you mean you are positive?

She looked at me while driving and said," she had the test and it came back positive."
I still did not understand what she was saying.
Then it hit me.
Like a brick building falling on top of me.

She was calm cool and collected about it.
I was tongue tied, I had no idea what to say......
I knew that her husband was really sick with the same thing and he was taking the AZT drugs.
She told me she was not going to take the AZT drugs.

I was still speechless... I know that's hard to believe, but believe me when I say this. I was speechless, but what was racing thru my brain was HOLY CRAP, Not Her! NO..... She's an innocent victim.....
She loved him,
She married him,
She had his children,
She got this from loving him........ OMG
What about her kids......
She was pregnant again.......
The heaviness in my heart at that moment was honestly unreal, unbelievable and so unfair!

that's exactly what I was thinking.....

I was so afraid........ When she would come over and visit. I hid my toothbrushes... I have only told a few people this, but I panicked, Don't ask me why I did it, It was just something I did out of panic and fear and the unknown.
I mean totally down right panicked and then.....

I realized what if it had been me..... how would she treat me?????

I knew her since 7th grade.

I remember her telling me she had never had a bath when I first met her, and the look on my face was like,
What are you talking about???? I remember her laughing so hard! She got me on that one forsure! How could someone never have a bath? I just could not put two and two together back then.
It was funny at the time, you just had to be there!


Her parents did not own a bathroom that had a bathtub.
They only had a shower. She cracked up and me looking at her like dang girl, you never have had a Bath! It was crazy..... I wonder how many people she said that too before me?

I remember the first time in 7th grade and I spent the night at her house. I had never seen a bat, and the bats were flying around her house like crazy.

I can still hear the way her floors creeked in the house she lived in with her Mom and Dad and siblings. Lot's of siblings!

I remember the first time I saw her do the dishes and she put them on the stove to dry with the flame turned really low. Her mother cooked with those wrought iron pans and that's how she dried them so they did not rust.

I remember her mom taking us out to dinner and she got mad that I did not eat my French Fries with a Fork.

I remember her Mom beating her with a metal hanger when they moved out to S. Lyons and I spent the night. Her Mom drove me to school the next morning and actually pulled up over the curb and dropped me off at the front door of the school..... She was a crazy lady. I say that honestly! She was nice, but she was harsh and really this down right mean side to her. Especially when it came to my friend.

I remember when we both walked the 20 miles and had blisters on our feet for weeks.

I remember when her husband locked her in a closet. I think the scary sickness had gotten in his brain.

I remember when she started her period for the first time and had to ask her big brother to drive us to the store to pick up sanitary napkins for her.

I remember when she moved away and I came to visit and we went into that old barn and she taught me how to whistle with my hands pressed together and only moving my fingers it would make me whistle like a Dove. It was awsome. It took me forever to get my hands right and do it like she could, but I did it and to this day I still know how...

I remember when she moved to her Dad's house in Taylor and I had to change her phone number again in my address book...

I remember when she moved out to W. Bloomfield and I had to change her number again in my phone book.

I remember when she moved out to Ortinville and I had to change her number again in my phone book.

I remember when she lived with this guy and he was a magician and she was his assistant. He was much older than her. He was her love way before her husband. He had his whole living room filled with magical stuff and when I would come over they would do magic shows and ask me my opinion.

I remember us taking a picture of us licking a huge candy cane at Christmas time.

I remember her hair being so long and so curly when she did not dry it.....

Every damn memory I had of her came flooding through my brain when she told me she was positive.
Time stood still but then it didn't..........

I remember when she told me her father sexually touched her.

I remember the time when her Mother would take the phones out of the house and not let her use the phone when her mother was out of the house.

She had it so bad........... I just wanted to be her friend and make her laugh and laugh and laugh....

I lived up to that because I knew she was sick, but we still went out dancing, we still hung out in my living room, we still sat by the lake when she was so sick, we still did everything just the same.........

Except..... She left the bar with someone that night....... That night we went dancing... I did not know they were going to sleep together.. I had no idea that was going to happen. I had no idea if they used a condom. I had no idea.......

Until she wrote me a letter.....
Told me how badly she just wanted love after her husband died.
Told me she did not use a condom.....

I died on the insides........ I felt like I should have warned the guy she was dancing with that if she asked him to go home with her not to..
I never did. It was not my place.
I did not know if she would do something like that or not....

Wow.......
It made me question our friendship for along time...... How could she do that to someone?
I know his name....
I looked it up online to see if he was dead.....

He is......

I went to the Priest in confession, and told him my story of not warning him with the information that I had that night that we danced at the bar Many years ago and my fear of him dying too.. Because my friends choice.....

He told me something that I will never forget......... This Priest was just what I needed in my life!

He said, "I know a lot about a lot of people that I'm not allowed to say".

Those words changed my life...... I carried the burden of that for years...

I know this post is hard for people to understand or what ever it may be.. But I'm telling you the truth. I was the best friend to her no matter what! Till the day she died in Hospice....
She was the greatest person ever, she just..............

I don't even know what to say... I still have a tough time. I think I really do!

I mean no disrespect to anyone in this post........ I had to write it, I had to say it. I had to tell you about it and how hard it was to have something like that and not knowing what to do with it.

I went to the right person and that's the only thing that get's me thru it.

I so apologize if this has hurt anyone that may read it........

All I can say is.......... Thank God for her beautiful Children!
The unborn baby......
Fully grown, fully healthy and negative..
Something about the antibodies....
I can't even remember how that all worked out..... I was there in the hospital when the baby was born....
I had just had a baby and it was different......... way different. She was in an isolated corner room.... Gloves everywhere........

I drove home from that day and cried.......

I was there when she took her final breath!

I still love her to this day!

Wow............................................................ that's some pretty deep stuff...... So friggin true that's all I can say!

She no longer had to live a rough ass life....... She went thru so much, so much so much! I saw everything........................ I mean everything!

I had nightmares...... scared me bad....

Kathy--------- just let it go........... I'm telling myself this right now! Deep Breath!

Her Mother never even showed up at her Funeral.....
Her Mother never called to say I hope you are having a good day,
Her Mother did nothing... She died without her Mother's love and support...

Now they both are gone...... I hope they settled their differences on the other side.




© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson