19). Another KNOCK KNOCK MOMENT THAT WAS AWFUL.....

This post must be told......

It was about a week ago, Last Saturday morning I was sound alseep in bed. I think my body was trying to wake up but this urge to answer the telephone came over me. I heard the phone ringing in my dream and answered it.
There was this soft, gentle voice of a woman on the other end. I heard her softly say, " I'm sorry, your Father died without any complications. That was it.... Nothing else... I did not hear anything except my pounding heart and my body going into shock. I sat straight up in bed and could not believe what had just happened.
I woke up Steve with my sudden bolt.... I said," Steve, Oh My God, I just had the strangest dream that this lady told me she was sorry, but my father died without any complications. He knew I was serious because I was probably white as a ghost and I had that eyes wide open look on my face. I truthfully was shaken to the core.

My father passed away from suicide in 1998. This was August of 2009....

It was opening Day of Hunting Season. Five a.m. in the morning I'm sound asleep with Steve in our upstairs bedroom. We both hear KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK on the front door. It's still dark outside, what in the world is going on. No one wants to hear that at 5:00 a.m. I hear Steve's familiar footsteps running down the stairs. He's lived in this house all his life and can do that. Not me.... I still need the light on.. LOL So, I hear Steve open the front door and and I hear the screen door open. I hear a Deep Voice that I have never heard before ask my husband if "Katherine Wilson", was home. My husband said, "Yes," at that moment what was going thru my head was..... I did nothing wrong, I don't have any bounced checks, I did nothing wrong what is going on.. That's when I heard the other Person say. "It's her Mother, She called us to get ahold of her daughter and have you take her to her Mother's as soon as possible". He said, "don't call her just go".
It was The Police from our town. So--- Steve ran up the stairs and said," Kathy, The Police said, we have to get to your Mom's house as soon as possible". So I jumped up and tried to put the quickest thing I could find on.... Steve threw on his clothes and we headed the 45 minute drive to Howell. I remember nothing about that drive there, I don't remember the roads, the turns, the red lights, the expressway, The only thing I remember is wondering if my Father had a heart attack. That's the only thing I could think of.... Then I heard this song by, Hootie and The Blowfish called, "LET HER CRY". I started crying the moment I heard it and was singing along because I think it distracted me from what my brain was really trying to figure out. The Police told Steve nothing... The next only memory I have is when we made that left hand turn onto the street where my parents lived in Howell. ..................................................................... I saw the ambulance and the lights.. I knew something was bad, who were they taking to the hosptial. Which one of my Parent's needed an ambulance???... Did someone fall..... ??? I could not get out of the car fast enough. I flew out of the car and got into the house and saw my Mom in the Rocking Chair in her jammies with this look on her face....... The police officer asked who I was and said, I was her daughter and that Steve was my husband. My little brother Pennie was sitting on the couch with an awful look on his face... I was noticing everybody's face but did not see my Dad. I went to walk down to the hallway and the Police Officer Said, :I needed to stay with my Mother." I looked at my Mom ,and in the quietest most no sur-real tone she said, Your Father died..
The next thing I knew............ I had my face buried in the couch cushion next to my brother sobbing sooooooooo loud, just sobbing........ I sobbed so hysterically my Mother asked me if I was laughing..... That's terrible to say, but Oh My God, I never cried and screamed and bawled at the same time in my life..... Well, I have but you'll have to hear about that later...
When I looked at my Mom with these tears rolling down my face.... She knew I was hysterical, NO WONDER Police Officer's say Nothing when they come to your house to tell you some news....... They don't want hysteria! Oh did I have it... All that worry from the trip to my parents the look on my Mom's face, the look on my brother's face and then the sudden realization of shock that how could my Father do something like that. HOW...... did he leave a note, what happened????????????
I crawled those few feet over to my Mom on my knees, I had no strength to even stand up and walk. I layed my head in her lap and felt her soft blue flannel nighty she always loved to wear. I was a grown woman with my Face on my Mom's lap looking at her trying to make sure she was alright, trying to figure out why she was not internally screaming on the insides like me.......... She put her hands on my face and said, Kath, Your Dad had a rough night. He was having those Phanthom pains in his right leg. He wanted me to give him a Vicodin and I did to settle him down, then she said, He wanted another one and I lied to him and told him I did not have one. I did not want to interfere with all the medications he was already on. She said, she went to bed and thought he was settled down....... Then around 1:00 in the morning My Mom woke up with a headache. She went to the kitchen to get some aspirin. On her way to the kitchen she heard my Dad's T.V. up really loud in his room, They slept in seperate rooms because my Dad had sleep apnea and snored like he could wake up the whole neighborhood. My Mom was a light sleeper..... So on the way back from the kitchen and getting her headache relief... She opened up my Dad's door and found him......... She called 911 and they were there in a flash.... The Police Officer came out and asked my Mom what Hand my Dad was..... She told them he was Left Handed.... She already knew he had shot himself but waited a little bit to tell me what happened. Then..................... they wheeled my Dad out on a stretcher and I saw him in the body bag. I could just see a little bit of his dark black hair. My Mom tells me I did not see that, but I swear I did. He was 6 foot 3 or 6 4.... I'm not sure at this moment... Then the cleaning crew came to tear up the carpet and all I could see was everything they were taking out of the room was covered up so we could not see it... People dressed all in white, with white gloves... I am so happy I never saw the actually place................................... you know..... that place......
My Dad was determined..... He had gone to Dialysis the day before. He knew he had to go to Dialysis everyother day for the rest of his life. He panicked while laying on the hospital chair for Dialysis and called my Mom and told her to come and pick him up. On the way home he wanted to stop at Daily's and have some of their vegetable soup and then he had a Vanilla Malt... His favorite...... He knew what he wanted that day...... Well, in the middle of the night after my Mom had put him to bed and thought she had him all settled down. My Dad got up out of bed, in his wheelchair, went over to the locked filing cabinet and pried it open with two screwdrivers. My Mom had the key...... He was a determined man....... A smart man.... He did the Morris Code for the Army back in the Korean War, and he always would tell us Kids that he knew what was happening before anyone knew it...... He decyphered the morris code and passed along the message. He was a civilian and wore civilian clothes and would tell my Mom that if he were to have been captured he was to kill himself in an instant. I'm glad that did not happen to him in the Korean War or I would not be here today!

My Dad used to have a Monkey and he called it Shit Head, My Dad was stepped on by a horse when he was younger and the scar on his leg was still really sensitive to the touch after all those years....... My Dad was only 59 when he passed away...... He killed himself 3 day's before his 60th Birthday.......

I can't tell you how badly I miss him............. He was the funniest man alive! He had the last laugh...... I'm sure he's cracking everybody up in Heaven too.... People say if you commit suicide you don't go to Heaven. I don't believe that for one moment. I will never judge him for what he did and to be totally honest. He made his own decision and who am I to argue with that....... Not me......
He was my Dad. I loved him NO MATTER WHAT!

© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson