27). The Finish Line

I have to admit writing these past few days and exposing my emotional hardships is not easy, it's actually a reminder of all the things that I want to forget. It's easy for me to say forget about it......!! But I can't.. I can finally let it go but I won't forget about it and all I can say is I really think there's been a black cloud over my entire family many years even before I was thought of.
I was pre-disposed to some things in my life for sure. I think even being so sensitive, being so.... worried about what people think, being so....... giving... being so.... who the heck knows. I just know a few things in life and the things that I know forsure are....
People have things.....
Baggage, life experiences,
Grief,
hardships,
freight,
fears,
lonliness,
all those things in life that we can't control.....
I just am saying that my life was OUT OF CONTROL...
That to me was the hardest part.
Everything that happened to me.
I did not do myself....
It was from everyone else's wheelbarrow of shit that they had to put me through.
I mean really.
I was under anesthesia when they operated on the wrong area of my spine,
I was in the right lane with my blinker on when that damn truck hit me and made me take the crunch in the crunch zone of my entire body and life..
I did not tell you about the other stories and those are to come,
I'm just a a wild moment right now as to what to write about...
I said from the start that I was going to start from the beginning and here I am re-living the 1990's.
I think they really sucked the worst I guess.
Those are the years that changed my life and my dreams.
But.....
Maybe I learned from it.
Maybe I have to really listen to myself and find out why that happened to me.
I'm a much better person.
I have slowed down alot and had alot of time that past couple of years to reflect and.....
try to really figure out why am I here.
Why was I put in this place called earth? What is my role in life other than being a wife and mother,
what in the world am I doing?
I don't just want to take up space and do nothing.
I just don't know what that something is people.
I'm trying to listen to my inner self so bad these past few months.
I think I know why....

I'm afraid..

Yeah.... There's this damn thing in our family that's freaking me out and I can't help but think about it, it's just the way I am... So... I know it's not up to me.. I have no choice. And I'll do anything in my power to prevent it, but... I'm still deep down a little bit afraid... It's all out of my control. I know it.... I just don't like it! The unexpected... I don't want any unexpected stuff!

I do know....
I don't want--

HISTORY TO REPEAT IT'S SELF!


It's all in the numbers.... I love numbers. I think I get it from my Mother. She always hated the number 13.. I was born on the 13th so I never liked it when she would say that...

She never liked the number 49.

Her Grandfather died at 49
Her Father died at 49
Her Brother died at 49

I'm almost 47 in two weeks and it really is freaking me out, I think I'm having this rush of madness in my own skin to hurry up and get 49 over with... But then I need to tell myself... LOL Okay, Kathy- settle down. You had 5 years taken from you in a sense of the word so slow down and relax, like I have some sort of control of my own body clock---- I tell myself that losing those 5 years to pain and not fun... I actually can deduct 5 years from my birth date and that would make me almost 44. yeah,... that' works for me...

But it's my brother. He's 48....... almost that dreaded bad number 49..... His health is a medical mystery at this point. He's still on Dialysis, he's had diabetes since High School. He looks great.. I just wish someone could tell me that he can live a long time on Dialysis. Please let him make it past the 49th Birthday...... OMG...... I'm having a little panic attack. I know what it is right.... now.

I have had too much grief for one person!
But so have other people.... Why am I the one that feels the way I do about it. I feel lost without those most special people in my life. They are the one's that grew up with me, the one's that cared for me the most..... No one knows you like your family and when you lose your family and have a fear of losing your family... It's an awful thing. I just need to really stop being afraid of what's ahead. I just don't want any more BAD THINGS!!! ... I want good things to happen. I want to sleep good, feel good, love good, smile good, just do good things I guess. Whatever........ I'll figure it out! HOLIDAY'S ARE THE WORST............... what I would give to have one more Christmas with my family. I must be selfish... I want them back in my life.... I want each and every person that passed away that I loved so much back.... Who am I kidding. I know there is not a magic wand for that. I just have to live on the fact that my day will come and when it does, I hope I'm prepared.. I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE A BUCKET LIST..... BUT......
maybe I should just have an I love you because list!

Is this what you call a MID LIFE CRISIS.. I'm giggling right now hoping and praying I don't have to go thru that too! Getting older has so many challenges.....

I don't have to explain what I think and feel every moment do I ??? LOL
This is MY BLOG A BOOK so I can basically say and do and write what ever the heck I want.

I can't control my fingers as I type this stuff, it's like I'm being taken over my this inner writer that has so much to say and her fingers are just tapping at the keys and she's in this zone....... I'm in this writers zone people.... I seriously woke up at five this a.m. and had to write. It's crazy I can't even explain it.

Can I call my life a Twilight Zone.... yes! It even started out like a Twilight Zone.... For my Mother anyways. !!!

Here she was in the kitchen at 16430 Fullerton in Detroit. She was re-arranging the kitchen with her Mother Beaulah Pauline. My Mother decided to move the refrigerator at 7 months pregnant and went into labor and delivered ME....... in the bathroom on Fullerton. Yep... I was premature weighing only 2 pounds 13 ounes. My Uncle Paul always told me . " He could hold me in the palm of his hand".

So maybe me being born in a bathroom pre-disposed me to having a bunch of shitty experiences? I sure hope not! It's funny but not funny! I do try to make the best of every situation ya know, Atleast I do have that going for me! I do see the Postive in everything. Maybe I'll get a Tatto that says that. Or maybe just a plus sign...... LOL

No..... I have a Turtle Tatoo. I got in when my daughter Chellsea turned 19 we went down to Fort Meyer's, Florida and BIG DADDY gave Chellsea her Rose Tattoo she picked out and me..... My Turtle Tattoo. He's a little guy with a big job!!!! His name is VERN. He follows me where ever I go and he also always has my back. Turtles have 13 moons on their backs, and they move slower but they DO CROSS THE FINISH LINE........ I So I'm creeping along slowly with Vern each and everyday and always know.... I'll be alright with his little bit of Turtle Love.

Okay.... I'm taking a watermelon break. Ummmmmmmmmm Thanks Ted for putting it on my kitchen counter today.
Thanks Ted for being so sweet to me since you moved in next door. I adore you and Cindy and Bailey so much! Thanks for your support on days like this when I'm just struggling... struggling to make life great again. xoxoxo

xoxo Just wanted to send some Kiki love your way.. I know you living next door to me is probably a bit over whelming at times with you trying to figure me out. LOL I'm cracking up because I'm over here trying to do the same damn thing with my self.

I'll be alright! I have no other choice in life. I just hope the rest of my life is way better than some of the really bad years in life. There, I said it! Hope GOD hears me!

I love my Book A Blog and that's my story and I'm sticking to it.....

To be continued.

© Kik LaFleur-Wilson