23). The pills, the tests, the struggles!

The Pain pills, the tests, the struggles, the sleepless nights, the pain in my heart, the way I felt life was passing my by on a daily baisis. It was really the worst time in my life! How I survived all those long years I just don't really know. I had Traction, I had physical Therapy, I had spinal injections that I was allergic to that gave me seizures, I had a back brace to keep my spine straight, I had a wheelchair, I had a cane, I had a walker. I had needles being poked in my right leg to see how much of my nerve root was damaged. I had pool therapy for non weight bearing therapy, I had so many things that I did not want. I had people pulling on me, putting needles in me, tying me to a table and pulling me feet out little by little to take the pressure of my nerve root. It was awful! I would not wish this on my worst enemy! EVER! I might have been able to handle everything better if was not so allergic to all the medications. I could not take the Vicodin and be awake at the same time, I could not take Codeine, Motrin, Demerol, Darvocette, Morphine.... I did take Toradol that I remember and Neurotin. I felt like the Rug of Life was pulled out from under me......

Everything I did not want!
I did not want one more person touching me! I just wanted to magically wake up one morning and I would have my life back. I had plans, I had dreams, I had so much I wanted to do! Each day I felt more and more down in the dumps. I never gave up.... I was going to prove to myself and my family that no matter how tough things get you can and will survive. It's this Will to Survive mode no matter what. I learned that from the moment I was born really......

The only thing really going for me was..... My will to survive and to show my children and husband that no matter what Momma was going thru, I was going to make the most of it and show them that not giving up was the best plan for me! I would lay in bed and be so mad at the cars that would pass by, I wondered where are they going? That complete stranger had a life... I did not.. I laid in bed dreaming of walking without pain. I had to learn how to walk all over again and learn to vacumn, and learn to bend, and learn to have better posture, and learn to do so many things again in a different way then I was used to.

I remember this one day when I could not make it up the stairs and I laid on the couch in the living room. I took a pain pill, But then had a brief moment of did I really take a pain pill, it should be working by now. So I took another one. I was on the couch and could not move, could not speak or yell up the stairs to Steve that I was overdosing on pain medication. I just laid there praying he would wake up and find me on the couch and call 911. I was so out of it that I really could hear myself screaming for him to help me but nothing was comming out of my voice box! My whole body was on drug overload. That's when I felt my sister Sherry around me. She's the only thing that helped me. She said to me. Everything will be alright. My sister was my guardian angel. I heard her...... she was telling me I was going to be okay. I was drenched in sweat, unable to even realize this could not be really happening to me. But that's the only thing that got me through that day. Steve came down the stairs and found me... I was still alive but soooooooooooo shook up from seeing my sister and not knowing how many pain pills I took that he got me something to eat to absorb all the medication and he just held me.... He held me so tight and told me everything was going to be alright. I so wanted to believe him!

I finally got to go and see a new Doctor here in Michigan that said he could help me. The scar tissue was growing around my nerve root and compressing my nerves, and they had to get rid of the scar tissue to be able to help me with my right leg and the pains radiating down my butt cheek down my leg to my toes. I was having toes that had a mind of their own and were just going up and down on their own, and my leg was white and cold and really alot smaller than my other leg. The nerve damage was affecting me in a very bad way. I went to see Dr. Beer who had a brand new procedure called the RACZ procedure. I was one of the first people in Michigan to have it done. I was willing to try anything! So they put me into surgery and went thru my tailbone and injected this medication that was going to disolve the scar tissue, or eat it up...... I remember feeling the pressure in the Operating room, I don't think they had me quite all the way under. So when I was in recovery, I had a panic attack and told them that I could hear them and feel them. I freaked out... They put oxygen on my face and told me to breathe, I was in recovery and don't move. I had to lay there lifeless for a full day.... The next morning when Dr. Beer came into my room he lowered the sheets and told me to sit up. I sat up really slowly with his help and felt differently. It worked..... it was working because I did not have that stabbing pain shooting down into my right leg. He brought over the walker to my bed and told me to slowly swing my legs around and try and stand up on the ground. He held onto me as I reached for the walker. I stood up on the hospital floor and took three steps towards him. He told me to take three more baby steps. I did.... It was slowly working. He told me that I needed to have 2 more RACZ procedures in the next 6 weeks. So I went home and 2 weeks later was in the Operating room again having more injections thru my tailbone. The next time I had the RACZ done, I panicked when they were giving me the anesthesia and told them, please knock me out before you proceed to do anything, because I still remembered the pressure and the talking. They knocked me out good, because I don't remember a damn thing until I woke up shivering in the Recovery Room. The nurses kept putting these really warm blankets over me to warm me up. I'll never forget that warmth.... I stayed in the hospital for I think a day and Dr. Beer came in again and lowered the bed sheets and had me sit up. He felt my lower back and then brought the walker over to my bedside again and told me to slowly get out of bed and try to take some babysteps towards him. I did...... I did it...... and the pain was so much less.. I did so well with that RACZ procedure I did not need to have it done the 3rd time... I still had alot of scar tissue that was giving me troubles, but I could live with it. I somehow could live with the new pains better than the old pains. I instantly felt alive again!

I actually went back to work...... I needed to gain strength back in my legs and middle section and so I went to work at this little Coney island. I needed to walk, I needed to bend, I needed to reach, I needed to gain my strength back and it was working.

I met Johnny G... He came into the restaurant and he had his buddys with him and they cracked me up. They were my favorite customers! I only worked a couple hours a day but it was living. I could not lift anything more than five pounds. It was like having my life back and meeting people again. I never felt so alive in my life!

And then.......................... I crashed my white Van on our road........ Two houses down from where we live. On my own street! It was a January morning, freezing bitter cold, the snow had just fallen, and under the snow was nothing but ice. I started fishtailing and could not get out of the fishtail.. I smashed that van so bad, I broke the glass on my watch, I bruised my ribs again, and I was so shook up........ I'll never forget the man that pulled up to the van and helped me climb out the passenger side door. He asked me where I live and if he could call 911... I said, I live right there in that white house.... he brought me here and I could barely yell up the stairs to Steve. It was 6:00 a.m. He was sound asleep. I was on my way home from the airport taking some friends to their flight to Cancun. Steve ran down the stairs when he heard me trying to yell for him and that's when I told him....... I just totaled our van two houses down..... things just went crazy for me in my head........ but something was really different... I did not have that pinching feeling in my back, I did not have that awful sharp feeling down my leg. I felt sore, but not as sore as I did the day before. Something was different!



© Kiki LaFleur-Wilson